The hand that Rocks the Cradle
by mcj
Summary: While Jeff Tracy prepares to deal with yet another painful anniversary Alan Tracy finally accepts he and Tin-Tin are not "just friends"
1. Prologue

Prologue  
  
Another day on Tracy Island was drawing to a spectacular close as the summer sunset bathed the calm shores in its red and orange hues. Another day in the lives of the Tracy brothers in their roles as International Rescue.   
  
Today had seen its fair share of action and suspense with Scott, Virgil, Gordon and Alan involved in a difficult rescue involving a serious fire in the largest maternity hospital on the eastern coast of America. A major electrical fault had resulted in a complete power failure, and the overheating of emergency generators being used to keep premature babies alive resulted in a dire situation for the whole hospital. Four floors of the hospital had been alight and it had taken quick thinking and rapid action by International Rescue to avert a major disaster.  
  
With Gordon working feverishly in the Firefly under Scott's direction to control and extinguish the raging blaze before it engulfed the major equipment on the top floors, Virgil and Alan had been kept more than just busy evacuating expectant mothers, mothers in labour, premature babies and newborns to nearby hospitals and emergency units.  
  
The sweat poured from Gordon's brow as he worked knowing full well the survival of many new tiny Americans would depend on the retention of the millions of dollars worth of equipment on the floors above him. Some of it could not be found anywhere else in the world. It hadn't helped that Scott seemed on edge and seemed to be riding him harder than he normally did. On several occasions they had exchanged heated words, Gordon hating to be told what to do when he knew how to do it and Scott anxious that he wouldn't be able to do it. At least Gordon took comfort in the fact that Scott was giving his other two brothers the same treatment, barking instructions and demanding answers..   
  
The fire had eventually been controlled but not before 19-year-old Alan Tracy had been given a massive dose of reality as not one but two of the mothers in active labour gave birth to their babies in the hull of Thunderbird 2.  
  
Alan, so capable in most situations, despite his age, offered without reservation to take a back seat on this one, pleading with Virgil to allow him to take over the controls of Thunderbird 2 rather than be involved in the births. Virgil had yelled at him to grow up and get on with the job and after a few uncomfortable moments gave his youngest brother verbal instructions on emergency childbirth and cutting of umbilical cords. Taking off his jacket to receive the first baby, his shirt came off for the second, leaving him dressed only in his trousers. Lord knows what would happen if another of those women decided to deliver. Dear God he wished they would stop all that screaming and moaning about. Surely it wasn't that bad to give birth to a baby.  
  
After the craft landed and the paramedics rushed to take over, Alan felt he was the one needing to be placed on the trolley, not the mothers. The young astronaut who could spin thousands of revolutions in space without nausea, sure as hell felt nauseous now. He felt that he would never be the same again after this rescue.   
  
The same young man now walked along the darkening shores of Tracy island with the love of his life - Tin-Tin Kyrano, daughter of family servant and his Fathers confidante Kyrano. They walked together hand-in hand as they did most afternoons when he was not off with his brothers saving lives, but the last few months their relationship seemed to have become more intense. He had always liked and played with her as a child and had been physically attracted to her since he had been in his middle teens. However, whether he cared to admit it or not, Alan Tracy seemed to be now falling deeply in love with his childhood friend and the more he was growing to love her, the harder it was becoming for him to act as he always had towards her.   
  
Tin-Tin too had sensed that their friendship had changed. The annoying little blonde boy who had hidden her dolls and the cheeky cocksure teenager with the "to die for " blonde curls and bluest eyes (who showed off on the diving board every time he knew she was looking in his direction) was no more. I shouldn't kid myself - she thought glancing sideways at him - he is still annoying, still cheeky, definitely cocksure of himself - but -she couldn't put her finger it - he was just………….. different now.  
  
The waves lapped the beach gently and the tropical flowers from the garden his grandmother and her Father tended with such care, gave the air a sense of romance. Alan took the opportunity to put his arm around her shoulders and pull her closer to him. She was like a tiny china doll with her slight frame and beautiful features. He kissed the top of her head softly.  
  
"You're quiet tonight Alan" she said gently slipping her arm around his waist. "Do you have something on your mind?"  
  
Alan sighed a little. Tin-Tin was always on his mind but tonight, despite how he was feeling, despite the scent of her hair and her touch, he was preoccupied with other things. He let out a long, miserable sigh.  
  
"Sorry honey I've got things worrying me just now."  
  
She stopped walking and turned to face him. His eyes were sad, not sparkling with their usual mischief and love of life. He cast her a half smile that disappeared faster than it had arrived.  
  
She took both of his hands and looked up at him earnestly "Can I help?"  
  
After a short silence he shook his head.  
  
"No" he said softly looking away from her deep brown eyes.   
  
She continued to look at him with so much concern that he eventually admitted what was bothering him. She had never been able to get him to do that before. Lord he was a private, stubborn person - he always had been - so this was a real achievement.  
  
"Tin-Tin …. It's my birthday tomorrow. And you know what that means".  
  
She bit her lip and looked away awkwardly. Unfortunately yes she did know. Last year had been terrible for everyone. Every year on Alan's birthday everyone associated with the Tracy family was confronted with the naked pain of Lucille Tracy's death…. a death caused by an emergency delivery of her 5th son and a Caesarean section that wet horribly wrong. A death that no one talked about - of a person no one dared speak about around Alan's Father. Jeff Tracy only had one Achilles heel - that being his inability to deal with the abrupt ending to his relationship with his wife. He didn't talk about it - he had never talked about it- and he didn't intend to start now. It was so tragic that a man with so much love care and concern for his sons in every other aspect of their lives could still be going through and inflicting so much emotional pain.   
  
Every year it was the same. John came from the space Station, leaving it unmanned on Autopilot for 72 hours. They laid flowers on her grave, his eldest three brothers moped about the house talking quietly amongst themselves and sadly for the past 9 years Alan had ended up in a blazing row with his Father over one trivial thing or another.  
  
Last year was the worst and the closest the arguments had come to the root of the problem. Jeff had had one whiskey too many as he always did every time Lucille was on his mind and made the mistake of saying if Alan had not been born "my boys would still have their Mother". Alan, who'd also had one or two drinks too many had eyed him lividly and accused his Father of blaming him for what had happened to Lucille, reminding him that he had five sons and not just the four that had had a Mother. A dreadful argument erupted between Jeff and his hot-tempered and aggrieved son and to the horror of his older brothers; Alan had stormed off to the mainland, stubbornly refusing to return for several weeks. It had taken his Grandmother to implore him to return and make up with his Father before he had begrudgingly done so. Even so, it was quite a few months before Alan settled down again and the matter was forgotten. Somehow Tin-Tin feared it was not forgotten, even though Alan did not speak about it, even to her. She knew Alan well enough to know that he had just put it into the place where he kept his private hurts which had the habit of resurfacing at the most inappropriate times.  
  
"Maybe things will be better this year Alan" she whispered.   
  
He shrugged "Just one birthday I'd like to go to bed and not be angry at my Father" " He paused for a moment and sighed again "………………….or myself".   
  
She nodded sympathetically. Taking his hand again she smiled and said in a bright voice.  
  
"I have a gift for you."  
  
The mischievous sparkle returned to his eyes. He prodded her nose with his finger causing her to wrinkle it up.  
  
"Wrapping yourself up for me then? Don't bother …..I like my presents unwrapped.. but then I like unwrapping them too!!! "  
  
He winked suggestively at her and quickly dropped her hand grinning from ear to ear and sidestepped the inevitable attempt to slap him.  
  
"Alan!!!!" she said dismayed. "Don't!!!"  
  
They both laughed but as they looked at each other his blue eyes held her brown ones momentarily as if for a split second the thought occurred to them both.   
  
"What!!!"  
  
She frowned and made a face.   
  
"I'm going in to Dinner since all you want to do is make jokes."  
  
"Who says I was joking huh??" he teased, pulling at her ponytail.   
  
"Alan!!!!!! I said………………"  
  
He swung her around to face him and drew her into a long passionate kiss. When breathless they broke apart they remained in each other's arms looking at each other in silence.  
  
After what seemed a very long time Alan pushed her away teasingly.  
  
"You said what?" he grinned, " Now you can't think of anything to say at all." 


	2. Chapter 1 Rumblings

Before I go any further. I would like to add the disclaimers regarding the fact that I do not own Thunderbirds - any names or characters. Gerry Anderson did this years ago. Thanks to Carleton who have the copyright. We all only do this for the fun!!!!  
Chapter 1 - Rumblings  
  
Josephine Tracy or "Josie" as she was known, Grandmother to the 5 Tracy sons, placed a large platter of tropical fruit in the centre of the large oak dining table, which was the centrepiece of the magnificent Dining Room in the Tracy residence.  
  
She nodded with satisfaction at the starched white tablecloths, candelabra and fine silverware that adorned the table. The fruit was colourful and brightened the table.  
Brushing the red velvet seats she then proceeded to straighten the chairs before commenting to Kyrano,  
  
"I believe I think it will do"   
  
At the servery Kyrano busily lit food warmers, placed wine in silver ice buckets and counted the plates.  
  
"Indeed Mrs Tracy - you have a way of adding your own special touch to these things"  
  
Josie smiled with pleasure. "Mighty nice of you to say that Kyrano"  
  
Her smile faded and before she spoke she looked around her carefully.  
  
"I just hope that we can change things this year"  
  
Kyrano nodded with understanding.  
  
"I understand what you imply Mrs Tracy. I know well how Mr Tracy feels in these matters of his heart".  
  
Kyrano sighed inwardly himself. Whilst he tried not to think about his own situation with Tin-Tin's Mother abandoning her as a baby, leaving him to cope, it was difficult not to feel something at this time of year when his benefactor struggled so unsuccessfully with his own emotions.  
  
He and Jeff Tracy had been friends for a long time, the friendship stemming back to Jeff's Air Force days. They talked about a great many things, often in the small hours of the morning over cups of strong coffee when Jeff's sons were out on difficult rescues. Many times he had sought his friends reassurance that sending his sons into the face of danger was the right thing for a caring parent to be doing.   
  
Jeff Tracy had never, however, discussed Lucy, his wife.  
  
Kyrano had never made her acquaintance, not coming to live with the Tracy family until Tin-Tin was nine years old, but each day as he tidied Jeff's room and replaced items in his private bar, he would look at the photograph Jeff kept of her on his sideboard. It had been taken not long before she had died. Kyrano never ceased to be sad when he looked at the photograph of the beautiful chestnut-haired girl with the sparkling brown eyes and beautiful smile, unnecessarily taken in the prime of her life, leaving behind five little boys to be cared for by their Father.   
Putting his melancholy thoughts behind him he looked at Jeff's mother.  
  
"Shall I summon them all to Dinner?" he asked  
  
Josie, however, was in a world of her own, looking out towards the beach where only 30 minutes ago she had watched her youngest grandson and Kyrano's only daughter together. She had a good feeling about those two, just as she had had a good feeling all those years ago when Jeff had introduced her to Lucy, a vivacious beautiful English girl who had quite literally, swept him off his feet.   
  
When Jeff had originally told her about Lucy she and her late husband Grant had been sceptical about the whole thing. After all, in their day courting took time!! What sort of girl was she if she was prepared to leave her parents and travel halfway across the world to move in with a man she had only met a few times - even if it was their precious son Jeff! It wasn't as if Jeff was a silly teenager either, he was in his middle twenties and certainly no fool. Josie had experienced great difficulty in understanding how her levelheaded practical son could be so smitten by a girl - and so quickly. But at that point, Josie hadn't met Lucy.   
  
Lucy had been so good for Jeff. Despite his fame as an Astronaut he was a very caring, sensitive man, who was cautious in the public eye and did not get let himself get too close to any one. He had needed an outgoing young woman and Josie always felt that her son had developed to his full potential as a man and a father with Lucy in his life.   
  
Her youngest grandson was very like his mother in many ways from his headstrong manner to his mischievous sense of humour. Alan definitely needed a gentle, kind, and sensitive girl like Tin-Tin to keep him in check. Yes, she nodded, inwardly pleased. Things were going along very well there.  
  
"Mrs Tracy?"   
  
She was jolted back to the situation around her by Kyrano's inquisitive look.  
  
"What? Oh… yes.. yes Kyrano. I think that they are all outside having a drink"  
  
Out on the balcony of the lounge overlooking the beach, Gordon and Jeff Tracy sat on deck chairs chatting away about the performance of the firefly during the rescue. Scott and Brains leaned against the railing, arms folded, taking in the conversation. Virgil tinkered softly away on the piano, his dreamy brown eyes off in a cloud somewhere, so caught up was he with the tune he was playing.  
  
They all looked towards Kyrano as he bowed slightly and said,  
  
"I would like to invite you to take your place for dinner Sirs"   
  
Jeff nodded at Kyrano and rose to his feet.  
  
"Thanks Kyrano. Best not keep you both waiting. I understand you and Mother have busied yourselves today cooking up a storm"  
  
Kyrano nodded acknowledging the statement.  
  
"Indeed Mr Tracy. This is true"  
  
Jeff placed his arm around Gordon's shoulders as they walked through to the dining room, continuing the conversation about the firefly.  
  
Kyrano looked around him and then turned to address Scott and Virgil who were still standing on the balcony..  
  
"Err….Mr Alan? He is not out here?"  
  
Scott glanced in his Father's direction before looking at Kyrano and saying quickly.  
  
"Uhh………… no but I'll go and find him"  
  
He had wanted to speak with his youngest brother before Dinner tonight, mainly to give him some "brotherly guidance" - before the inevitable rumblings began.  
  
"Find who?" came the distinctive voice of Alan as he walked down the hallway pulling on a new international rescue shirt after the loss of his other shirt earlier in the day. He and Scott were leaving in Thunderbird 3 straight after Dinner to collect John so he had taken the opportunity to change earlier.   
  
Scott gave him that "you're my little brother and I need to talk to you now look" that he had given him so often as he grew up. Alan stopped in front of his eldest brother, turning down his collar and running his hand through his still damp hair.  
  
"What Scott?"  
  
Scott didn't quite know how to say what he needed to say to Alan but he knew he sure as hell had to say it and now so that there was no room for misunderstanding.  
  
"Hey Alan…" he began carefully knowing what sort of reaction he would no doubt get, "…..don't say anything you'll regret in there tonight. You know ……after last year"  
  
Alan's face veered red. He eyed his brother disdainfully before swinging around on his heel and continuing to walk towards the dining room.  
  
"I won't if he doesn't Scott" he muttered just audibly for Scott to hear him.   
  
Jeff Tracy looked up as Alan entered the room and nodded approvingly on seeing his son dressed ready to fly out.  
  
"Have you let John know what time you intend to be up in Thunderbird 5 Alan?"  
  
Alan nodded "Yes Dad … John knows. He's working on the autopilot now. Scott and I will shove off straight after Dinner."   
  
Alan paused for a moment before asking, "…Dad, since it's my birthday tomorrow and I'll be a year older, you wouldn't consider me going alone?"  
  
Scott shook his head behind him. Stupid kid, he couldn't help himself. The most vulnerable time of the year for his Father and Alan wanted to argue about flying Thunderbird 3 on his own.  
  
Jeff waited until Alan sat down at the table before he said wearily  
  
"Son - you know my position on that. You need a co-pilot"  
  
"You mean a baby-sitter: Alan retorted. "It's not as if I can't pilot her Dad. I mean what more do I have to do to prove it you?"  
  
"Alan I'm not going to discuss this. " Jeff snapped, " Let's just forget about it for now"  
  
Alan looked at his Father and from the glare he received in return, decided that   
he would let the matter drop.  
  
After a few uncomfortable minutes of silence Jeff and Gordon returned to their discussion about the rescue. Brains leaned forward adding his comments.  
  
Virgil in the meantime watched Alan sulking down the other end of the table and decided to have a bit more fun at his youngest brother's expense. He winked at Scott and said,  
  
"Hey Scott. I never told you the full story about having to teach my little brother the facts of life today."  
  
Gordon burst out laughing. The three brothers had been laughing all afternoon about Alan's reaction to assisting with the births in Thunderbird 2. Still all eligible bachelors, all the Tracy brothers had limited experience in the birth process but it seemed their youngest brother was the least informed of them all. Alan, being Alan had not let them down again!!!   
  
"You know Alan I thought you would have learnt by now that that there was another side to that business besides just holding hands " he joked making direct reference to his afternoon soirees with Tin-Tin.  
  
Virgil chimed in doing a mock impression of Alan begging to allow him to take over the controls rather than go anywhere near the birthing women.  
  
Alan reddened and rolled his eyes as he helped himself to the salad.  
  
"Come on you guys, do me a favour and let it go OK." he said good naturedly.  
  
"You should have heard him" Virgil grinned continuing the aggravation, " He complained about everything. Taking off his shirt, how slippery the babies were.. and then the cord cutting. You were so lame Alan."   
  
Alan snapped, tired of the joke.  
  
"If you ask me the whole process is disgusting. The worst bit was those Mothers carrying on let me tell you. Anyone would think they were dying or something"  
  
Scott, Virgil and their Grandmother all dropped their heads and held their breath.  
  
Alan had done it again. Scott was sure that his little brother had a death wish when it came to dealing with his Father. He simply didn't think. Scott was starting wonder why he ever worried about the kid, but as always, the protector of his brothers, he interjected.  
  
"Err…hmm you guys" he said quickly "Alan's right. It all turned out well so let's do the kid a favour and drop the subject OK."  
  
Virgil and Josie breathed a sigh of relief as the meal continued but not before Jeff Tracy had shot Alan a dangerous glance which did not go unnoticed by his youngest son..  
  
After a while Gordon put down his cutlery and took a large sip of the scotch in front of him. " Seriously though Dad - some of those babies I saw being ferried out were just so small. They'd fit in the palm of your hand they would. I could never understand why they are born early. It must have something to do with what their mothers get up to during the pregnancy or something"  
  
Scott began to hear alarm bells as he watched his Father's face redden. Gordon had been a premature baby, saved by the sort of equipment they'd saved from the fire today. Their Mother had gone into early labour as the result of an unfortunate accident outside her control. Jeff had not been able to be present Gordons's emergency birth owing to his business commitments. It had caused both he and Lucy a good deal of anxiety at the time and he hadn't forgiven himself for that. He also didn't seem to be taking too kindly to the notion that Lucy would have done anything wrong.   
  
As for what had happened when Alan had been born …..  
  
Jeff Tracy looked at both Gordon and Alan and said in a low voice that made them all nervous.  
  
"The two of you should leave your comments to matters that you know and understand"  
  
Gordon looked at Alan confused. Their Grandmother looked at them both. She could see Alan preparing to speak and interrupted anxiously.  
  
"Alan sweetie … hurry with your Dinner now. You have long journey tonight." she said   
  
"You too darling" she added turning to Scott.  
  
Alan stood up folding his napkin and placing it on the table.  
  
"Grandma's right. I'm ready to go - How about you …..babysitter?" he said making reference to Scott, but the whole time his eyes did not leave his Father.  
  
Scott cursed under his breath at Alan's stupidity and pushed back his chair, pausing to take a slice of melon from the centre of the table.  
  
"Yeah - we'll go now. Come on kiddo"  
  
"Don't call me that Scott" Alan flashed as together the two brothers left the room much to the relief of Josephine Tracy.  
  
The meal went on uncomfortably and when it was over everyone made their excuses leaving Jeff and his Mother alone at the table.  
  
Jeff sat quietly sipping his coffee pausing every now and then to look at his Mother and marvel at how wonderful she was.  
  
She had been there for him his whole life - as a child growing up on the farm in Kansas - when he had entered the air force, sending him care packages when he was stationed in Malaysia - when he went into space - when he set up his business …… when Lucille died………and now with International rescue.  
  
He wondered what she would have been doing right now if all those years ago he hadn't needed her so desperately to help him with raising his boys without their mother.   
  
After Lucy had died he been left to cope with trying to run a multi million -dollar aerospace business he had built from the ground up and adjust to the fact that the most precious thing in his whole world had been taken away from him without warning and without any sense able to be made of it all.   
  
Coupled with that was having to deal with a screaming newborn baby who must have sensed the family upheaval and was awake crying to be fed every 2 hours day and night, a toddler not 13 months older who cried non-stop, an inconsolable 3 year old who sobbed for his mommy , a little five year old , the spitting image of his mother sitting silently in front of her piano refusing to eat, and his eldest son - whose childhood had been taken away one month prior to his 9th birthday when his mother had taken her last breath.   
  
Jeff remembered those terrible months when he was trapped in the nightmare that became his life -doing what had to be done - the night feeds, walking the floor with Alan trying to getting him to stop crying - nursing Gordon on his lap until the dawn broke and he fell asleep exhausted, the little toddler upright against his chest as he slept in the chair in the babies nursery- the washing, the cleaning, the meals, the school attendance for the older boys.  
  
Then there had been the resultant cancelling of important business meetings, which cost his company dearly and the final straw - the breakdown of his own health resulting in a near loss of everything he had worked for. There had been no opportunity to be even a Father to John, Virgil and Scott let alone a mother when he hadn't been able to stop long enough to grieve for Lucy himself. If it wouldn't have been for his Mother Lord knows where they would have ended up or be right now.  
  
As he sat there at the table, Jeff felt the crushing pain he had felt then, coming back to him now. He started to feel that his world was crashing in on him again as he remembered it all again so vividly. Swallowing hard he put those thoughts from his mind as he had done for 20 years but in the back of his mind he kept asking - surely there is someone to blame for all of this.   
  
Josie put her hand on his, knowing, as Mothers do when matters are troubling their children.  
  
"Jeff …son …" she began  
  
He shook his head, "No Mother, This year I know I am going to have to deal with this. I just wish I knew how. "  
  
She sighed.  
  
Jeff might be going to deal with it but in doing so could his youngest son deal with him dealing with it!!  
  
Just what was going to happen in this house tomorrow!!! 


	3. Chapter 2 Anxiety

Author's Note - thanks for the reviews guys. * Star especially for the encouragement. I am enjoying this story.  
  
CHAPTER 2 - ANXIETY  
  
John Tracy wiped his blonde hair from his eyes and blinked tiredly as he prepared Thunderbird 5 to receive the huge red spaceship looming on its right hand side. He reminded himself that he needed to get his Grandmother to give him a haircut when he returned home. From the massive windows of Thunderbird 5, he could see Alan commencing to dock Thunderbird 3.  
  
John shifted uneasily as he turned to check the autopiloting equipment and frowned. He did not like leaving the satellite unattended. There were many times on those long and lonely nights that he sat up here watching the stars, that what started out as a faint voice in the distant background resulted in a full blown mission for International Rescue. John worried that the autopiloting might fail to pick these faint signals up. He sighed and shook his head. Maybe the job was getting to him a little if he could not look forward to having a few days off with his four brothers.   
  
However John knew that this absence was not to be considered as time way from active duty. This was the anniversay of the devastation he experienced, not just on March 12th each year, but during every day of his life. John Glenn Tracy was nearly 24 years old, a grown man, however a major part of him, his emotions, still remained frozen in time when he was a little 3 year old boy and his much-adored mother had gone to the hospital to have the baby brother he had been told about several months before. John remembered sitting on his Father's lap looking at her with frightened eyes as she lay dying in that hospital bed with all those machines attached to her. He couldn't clearly remember anything she had said to him or if he had cried but he could remember Scott and Virgil crying. It was his earliest childhood memory and his worst.   
  
The inner door of the air lock opened and Scott and Alan strode inside. Alan was scowling.   
  
"Hey Johnny, how are you doin? ', asked Scott, giving his middle brother a hug and an affectionate pat on the back.   
  
"Yeah - fine Scott" he replied quietly as Scott walked over to the autopilot.  
  
Scott looked back worried at the tired sound to his brother's voice.  
  
"You OK Johnny?" he asked with tone of concern.  
  
John forced himself to brighten a little. He didn't like worrying Scott especially at this time of year. After all Scott had done it the toughest of them all.  
  
"Sorry Scott. I'm fine really - just tired I guess."  
  
John turned to look at his youngest brother. "Hey kid", he said softly.  
  
"Yeah Hi yourself John" Alan replied in a disgruntled voice, glaring at Scott who fortunately did not notice.  
  
John raised one eyebrow. Obviously his baby brother was doing his usual dummy spit about some menial thing or another. Turning to the autopilot his eyes darted from left to right as he switched it on. He watched anxiously as the equipment roared into life. After ten minutes he nodded and looked at Scott.  
  
"I think she's OK"  
  
Alan came to stand beside him. The two of them took a month by month rotation of duty in the satellite and he was as passionate if maybe not as careful about the equipment as John.Alan scanned the autopilot making a few adjustments.  
  
"Mmmm" he muttered to himself. "John - I worry about this equipment. I mean - what if it fails while we aren't here?"  
  
John nodded knowingly.  
  
"Yes - well I ask myself that quite often." he replied, checking the adjustments Alan had made, "but its not like we have a choice now is it?"  
  
Alan did not reply. He knew the way it was with John. John hated this time of year and all the expectation that went with it.   
  
John looked at him amused. He had been on the radio link during the rescue today too and when the time was right he was going to add his bit to the roasting Alan had been receiving.   
  
"So what's got up your nose then kid?" he asked tousling Alan's hair. Alan looked at him, his voice livid.  
  
"Don't call me a kid John. You know I hate it" he snapped in reply. "Anyway if you must know ask Scott what's up my nose. He hasn't stopped yelling at me since I left the base."  
  
Scott turned to John before any more could be said.  
  
"Stupid jackass spent the whole of the dinner tonight aggravating Dad. As if we need that right now."  
  
Alan interjected forcibly.  
  
"I didn't aggravate Dad Scott. I just said ....."  
  
However Scott was still looking at John and ignored Alan, continuing his complaint.  
  
"Not only arguing over the solo piloting of Thunderbird 3 which he knows is a closed subject, he's bringing up things that Dad associates with Mum. He's got Dad going already. You should have seen the looks he was giving out."   
  
Alan was starting to become really angry now.  
  
"It was Virgil, not me that brought it up."  
  
John frowned as he listened to them argue. This whole thing was going to erupt again like last year. John just knew it and he didn't know if he could take it again!!!!  
  
"Alan" he sighed, "This is a hard time for all of us. Can't you make an effort not to fight with Dad this year. I have a terrible time dealing with all of this as it is without you making it worse."  
  
Their brilliant blue eyes locked, Alan's angry, John's resolute, Alan looking away first.  
  
"Like I said to my babysitter here. I won't if Dad doesn't" he scowled. "Now are you ready to go?" he added impatiently and stormed towards the airlock.  
  
John rolled his eyes. It was no use trying to reason with the kid. He had not forgiven his Father from last year and John knew it. They all knew it.  
  
Pausing to glance nervously back to the autopilot he picked up his luggage and followed his brothers to Thunderbird 3.  
  
Once inside the spaceship, Alan headed into the cockpit whilst John followed Scott to the lower level of the craft.   
  
"Prepare for blast-off" Alan instructed in a sour tone. "That is assuming of course I can do that right and to your satisfaction." he added and proceeded to switch off the communication link between them.  
  
Scott looked at John and heaved a massive sigh. John bit his lip - the anxiety already building in he pit of his stomach. Neither of them spoke as the rocket cleared Thunderbird 5 and powered off towards the earth.  
  
"I just don't know what to do Johnny" Scott finally said quietly. "I've tried to talk to him. I've even tried yelling at him but he just won't listen to me. I don't know if it's because he is preparing himself mentally in case Dad blames him again or whether he just blames himself."  
  
John swallowed remembering the things his Father had said to Alan last year and what Alan had said in return - the hurtful things, the deeply personal and invasive things Alan could really not forget... no matter how hard he tried and no matter how many times he might justify to himself that it was only because his Father had been drinking at the time.  
  
John remembered lying alone in his room last yearafter Alan had stormed off the island, crying himself to sleep like a child. He hadn't cried about his Mother's death, he cried for his little brother who wasn't really to blame for all of this, despite the circumstances.   
  
He had been devastated at his Father's words but more frightening was the fact that John himself knew that deep down he too had always blamed Alan for what had happened to his Mother. He had never felt bad about his feelings because he had never disclosed them to anyone and comfortably assumed that because everyone else didn't blame Alan , it was all right to feel that way. Now that his Father was saying what John thought and he saw how it had affected his youngest brother, it had become extremely upsetting. John sighed miserably. He loved Alan, was proud of his bravery, his achievements in the racing game,he admired his wicked sense of fun & wild antics but deep down until last year's argument it hadn't worried John Tracy that they rarely saw each other. He had felt guilty about that ever since that time.  
  
"I guess I could try to talk to him" he said reluctantly, doubtful that it would be of any use. "but I don't think I can settle him down."  
  
  
  
Scott shrugged, "I guess you could try. However I don't know what you can say more than what I've already said. It's just that ... John I look out for that kid and I don't like seeing him get hurt by Dad or anyone else."  
  
John stood up patting Scott on the back before walking towards the elevator to take him up to the cockpit.  
  
"Poor Scott - I often wonder what we would do without you as our big brother. Always looking out for us.. always worrying about us and forgetting to feel something yourself. " He stopped and turned around before adding honestly " I know you must hurt more than I do about Mom - yet you don't let it show like me.I wonder if that's a good thing."  
  
Scott turned away from him as he felt tears well in his eyes. He hurt more than they would ever know. The pain and loss never went away. He just made sure he cried in the privacy of his room as he had done since he was nine years old. He just couldn't let it show to his brothers or to anyone else. Someone had to be strong for his Father and watch out for Alan during this time.   
  
He just wished Alan would do something about his relationship with Tin-Tin so that she could shoulder the emotional burden of his brother's feelings. Maybe then it would leave him free to deal with his Father's grief and then maybe his own. He made a mental note to talk to Tin-Tin when they got back to base to see exactly what was going on with the two of them as he knew Alan wasn't going to tell him. The weight of this responsibility felt like a ton on his shoulders and he didn't know if he could take much more of it.  
  
John, in the meantime, had entered the cockpit. Alan did not turn around. He said in a dead-pan tone.  
  
"Scott leave me alone"  
  
"It's not Scott."John said cheerfully "so calm down for a start.I can't believe how worked up you are little brother.."  
  
"I've got reason to be at the moment" he said sharply.  
  
John sat beside him. Alan pretended to check the gauges, stubbornly refusing to say anything else. John put his hand on his shoulder before laughing,  
  
"You are such a hothead Alan!!!!"  
  
"I am not a hothead." Alan replied, "Leave me alone"   
  
John didn't know what to say next. Fortunately a bleeping on the monitor hailed contact from Base.  
  
"Base to International Rescue. Come in Alan". It was Tin-Tin.  
  
Alan glanced sideways to where John was sitting before replying.  
  
"Base, this is Thunderbird 3. Go ahead Tin-Tin."   
  
Tin-Tin's voice came over the radio link, loud and clear. From her position at Jeff Tracy's desk, she could see him clearly on the monitor. Her heart melted when she looked at the lips that he pressed so ardently against hers only a few hours before.  
  
"Alan, have you left Thunderbird 5 yet?" she asked "Your Father is worried that you hadn't radioed in".  
  
Alan tried not to look annoyed as he well knew that Tin-Tin could see his face on the vid. He'd been so angry at Scott that he hadn't stopped to fulfill the basic duties that were expected by his Father prior to entering or leaving a "danger zone". Great - now there was something else for his Father to chew him out on tomorrow.  
  
"FAB Tin-Tin, we left nearly an hour ago", he replied "Tell Dad I'm sorry I didn't radio in. Unavoidable I'm afraid".  
  
"What is your ETA?" she asked   
  
"Midnight" he replied, his professional voice not leaving him.  
  
"I'll wait up for you if you like" she offered. Alan veered red knowing John was listening intently beside him. Still, it was good to hear her voice after the bawling out that he had been receiving courtesy of Scott.  
  
"Yeah that'd be nice baby", he said trying to sound non-chalant. "See you then. This is Thunderbird 3 out".  
  
As the link fell into silence, John Tracy's teasing voice soon filled the gap it left.  
  
"Well...well...well.. she's waiting up for you hey? Just as well you had some practice at the rescue today then.... and before you ask - yes I was on the link when you were carrying on Alan."  
  
Alan looked at him icily.  
  
"Don't you start that again. that's what got me into hot water tonight at Dinner"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Sooooo Alan....what's the story with you and Tin-Tin?" John asked.  
  
He never saw Alan, nor Alan, John, apart from the debriefing and shift change every month. There was no room for idle chit-chat when this occured and the two of them had become very much estranged. John rarely had much to do with Tin-Tin either, she was usually with Brains, the two of them working on some mathematical formula or the like.   
  
John had not witnessed those afternoon walks which had started to get longer, the stolen glances over dinner, the excuses to spend more and more time alone together and the airy kisses of genuine friendship that were quickly losing their "friendship quality" on an almost daily basis.  
  
Alan looked straight ahead. There was absolutely no way he was going to talk to him about his feelings for Tin-Tin.  
  
"There isn't any story", he lied. "Tin-Tin and I are just friends."  
  
John stood up to return down stairs as Thunderbird 3 began its descent through the atmosphere.  
  
"Well I dunno kid but none of my "friends" ever waited up for me until midnight" he said directly.  
  
Alan's head did not move but the shriek came "Stop calling me that!!!!"  
  
================================================================================  
  
Scott had been fast asleep whilst John was in the cockpit. He'd been awake for nearly 24 hours and was grateful for the cat-nap, knowing that John could competently co-pilot Thunderbird 3 with his kid brother.  
  
He hadn't been sleeping very well of late, more so since he heard his Father ordering the flowers for his Mother's grave a few days ago.   
  
He startled as John stepped out of the elevator shaft.  
  
"Any luck?" he yawned still half asleep.  
  
John shook his head.  
  
"That is one aggravated kid up there. The only time he lightened up a bit was when he talked to Tin-Tin on the vid".  
  
Scott leaned forward with interest. "Oh?"  
  
John continued to tell him that Alan had indicated in no uncertain terms that he and Tin-Tin were only friends but that his "friend" was intending to wait up for their arrival.  
  
"I don't believe him Scott" John added "Somethings going on there. Even I can sense it and I don't see either of them."  
  
Scott nodded. Yes, he would definately be talking to Tin-Tin Kyrano later on.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A knock on the door made Jeff Tracy jump. He had just changed into his nightclothes, despite the fact that he knew he wouldn't be sleeping well tonight. Too much thinking to do!!!  
  
To his affirmative call, John Tracy opened the door slowly and his blonde head peered inside.  
  
"Dad? Did I wake you?" he whispered quietly.  
  
"No Son. I'm up - come in" Jeff replied.  
  
John came into his Father's bedroom and hugged him. Jeff surveyed the boy. He was becoming far too thin - almost fragile in fact and his face was drawn and anxious.  
  
"I just thought I'd let you know I was home Dad".  
  
Jeff nodded, pleased that his five boys were now under one roof. He'd heard Thunderbird 3 come in earlier and whilst he normally waited at his desk for his sons to return he had elected to remain upstairs tonight. He was mainly annoyed at Alan's failure to implement standard procedure and knew if he saw him it would only result in an argument.  
  
"The autopilot working all right?" he enquired.  
  
John looked at his Father and again Jeff worried at his tired and stressed features.  
  
"Yes Sir." was the only response.  
  
Jeff placed his arm around his middle son and felt John almost shrivel under his touch. He looked directly into his blue eyes.   
  
"You OK John?"  
  
"Yes Sir", John replied and stood looking at his Father. They never spoke much. They never had. Jeff patted his shoulder.  
  
"Well - go on to bed then son. I'll see you in the morning".  
  
"Goodnight Dad" he said moving towards the door. He paused for a minute before turning back. "And Dad ,it wasn't Alan's fault that we didn't radio in earlier - it was mine - Sir. I was talking to him in the cockpit you know - and hardly seeing him and all - we just lost track of the time".  
  
Jeff watched him go, knowing full well that it wouldn't have been John's mistake. John was far too particular with proper procedure for that. However, John always protected Gordon and Alan as they grew up, taking the blame for every wrong and irresponsible thing that those two did. Jeff had been forever punishing John as a child for things he knew full well weren't his fault but that his youngest two sons did not admit to.   
  
Jeff felt the communication problem he had with John stemmed back to Lucy's death. John had been a clingy baby, and even as he grew a little older and Gordon came along, he had still followed Lucy everywhere, only interacting with his Father when he absolutely had to. Lucy had a particularly soft spot for her little blonde son and there were many nights Jeff remembered her rocking not only Gordon to sleep in her chair in the nursery, but John too.  
  
Jeff worried that to John he had only ever been the looming figure of "the working Father"; building a business on his own at the time, and not "Daddy" as he had been to Scott and Virgil when he was still in NASA. When "mommy", the stable influence in his life went away, John had been left without a person to be close to and from that day he had stopped communicating properly with his Father.   
  
Jeff Tracy knew he had to talk to his timid middle son about the problem that the two of them had. If the truth was known - he just didn't know how.  
  
Stay tuned -Chapter 3 - Last attempts 


	4. Chapter 3 Last Attempts

CHAPTER 3 - LAST ATTEMPTS  
  
"If I'm so darned young and irresponsible how come I've been left down here by myself to do all the maintenance and all the cross checks then." Alan muttered discontently to himself as he still sat in the cockpit of Thunderbird 3. It was nearly 1.00am in the morning and he was tired. Everyone else had gone upstairs when they had returned to the base, John was going to report in to their Father ("lucky him" - Alan scoffed under his breath) and Scott indicated that he was heading to bed.   
  
It was ludicrous to Alan that his Father did not consider him competent enough to fly this baby alone yet when it came to ensuring the Thunderbird was ready for action at all times he was suddenly more than capable of that. As he checked and rechecked the electronics he sighed. Tin -Tin had been waiting up for him but he guessed by now she would have gone to bed.   
  
He had been looking forward to seeing her again on his return, running his hands through that black silk hair of hers, smelling that delicious scent that she always wore. If nothing else, it would have been a welcome distraction from what had happened tonight over Dinner with his Father and the hauling over the coals that Scott had given him in Thunderbird 3.   
  
Alan respected Scott as much as he respected his Father - or should he say - used to respect his Father. When Scott gave advice, Alan usually took it, even if sometimes it was after the fact and he had gotten himself into hot water again by not listening in the first place. As usual tonight was one of those occasions. Alan knew deep down he should have kept quiet over Dinner as Scott had warned him, but Virgil had baited him. He felt foolish enough at how he had behaved with those ladies giving birth without Virgil making him feel worse and he just simply could not keep his tongue in check. Alan cursed himself for being so stupid.  
  
Not only did Alan hold Scott in the highest regard but it was also to him that he turned if there was a problem and his big brother had always given him good advice. Alan felt his Father had little regard for his feelings, dismissing his problems as always self-caused, which unfortunately nine times out of ten, they were.   
  
He had a big problem at the moment - and it wasn't self-caused either. He didn't know what to do about where he and Tin-Tin were heading. He had never been in love before and he didn't really know if that was what it actually was. He had only ever had one female to relate to in his life and that was his Grandmother Josie. His "Grandma" had always been there and he knew she had a soft spot for him which he played on quite often, even now, to get his way. The love he felt for her was what he was sure he would have felt for his mother Lucy if she hadn't have died. But what he was feeling for Tin-Tin was not love like you feel for a Mother.  
  
This was one matter that he knew he could only talk to his Father about - and he wouldn't talk to his Father after last year about anything private.   
  
He desperately wanted to discuss how he felt with Scott before things went any further with Tin-Tin but Scott was still his brother and there was nothing Scott loved more than to pay out on him. Alan didn't know if he could trust him with a matter which was so close to the core of his heart and he had a very fragile heart behind all the bravado and the swaggering about that he did. He kept a lot of private sadness to himself especially the guilt he felt about his Mother dying and the hardship it had caused his Father and brothers. Since last year he had watched his brothers and whilst he was grateful that they avoided speaking about what had happened between him and his Father it worried him that they now blamed him too or maybe they always had.   
  
"Penny for your thoughts" came a voice behind him that made him jump with fright. Alan jerked his head towards the elevator shaft. There she was - dressed in her gown, hair tumbling down her shoulders, lips ruby red - Tin-Tin. He let out his breath, his eyes not leaving her.  
  
"Tin-Tin you scared the living daylights out of me." he exclaimed.  
  
"Well aren't you going to invite me in?" she asked. "I was getting lonesome waiting upstairs for you to finish up down here."  
  
Alan immediately assumed his "joke-about" manner which he knew was the safest thing to do with her dressed like that.  
  
"Come in if you dare but remember it's 1.00 am and its technically my birthday and I want to unwrap that present you promised me I was getting."  
  
"Alan!!! You're terrible." she giggled coming to stand close to the console.  
  
He tugged playfully at the tie of her robe. "Come on then" he teased and she squealed with dismay as the robe fell open revealing her to be clad in little else but an extremely short nightdress.  
  
"Alan don't!!" she cried quickly adjusting her garments, her face scarlet.  
  
He swung his arms about her waist and gathered her onto his lap and planted a quick kiss on her cheek. "I'm sorry honey". he apologised. "I didn't mean to do that."  
  
The two of them looked at each other again. Tin-Tin wasn't so sure if he mean't to do it or not.  
  
Alan for his part hadn't needed that robe to fall open, especially the way he had been feeling about her. It crossed his mind to suggest that they continued this "discussion" upstairs but Tin-Tin was his friend and well...... he didn't know if he actually loved her or what the hell he was feeling for her right now.Best not to say anything.  
  
Tin-Tin didn't know how she felt now either. Whilst feeling acute embarassment at the incident, something inside her resisted the urge to hurry upstairs to the security of her bedroom. Being here with him now seemed so right. Maybe ....  
  
"Happy birthday Alan" she said softly and slowly kissed his lips. Alan could feel his blood pressure rising and broke the kiss off before he lost his demeanor all together.  
  
"What's wrong???" she asked in surprise. He changed his tone to his professional International Rescue voice.  
  
"I've got things to do besides kiss those pretty lips of yours for the next half hour" he said gruffly. "Good night and stop distracting me from my work".  
  
"Good night Alan. "she said her eyes shining. "I'm sure you will have a wonderful birthday"  
  
==============================================================================   
  
Scott gratefully sipped the whiskey that his brother had mixed for him and brought up to his room. Tired as he felt, he needed to relax and get his head around everything a bit, and his brother had as usual sensed it and come to the rescue. He sat on his bed leaning against the bedhead talking to that brother now.  
  
It was never hard talking to Virgil. He was his rescue anchor - reliable, steadfast, level-headed , intuitive and gifted. However, he also looked exactly like their mother and with everything that had so far happened today it was a little difficult to look at him without feeling just a small degree of sadness.  
  
Virgil for his part looked at Scott with worry. Virgil was nearly three years younger than Scott, two years older than John, and three more different brothers there would never be. Virgil had idolised Scott his whole life, the two of them getting into all sorts of scrapes together and with Scott seemingly able to get them out of trouble on each and every occasion, it was not unusual that they shared an extremely close and special bond.   
  
"You know Grandma will kill us for drinking at this time of night don't you" Scott said sounding like a naughty schoolboy."  
  
Virgil laughed and sipped his own drink watching Scott, grateful that he seemed to be finally starting to relax.   
  
"Yeah I know but I think I'll risk the lecture to make sure you're all right."  
  
Scott looked directly at him and at that moment the dark blue eyes of Jeff Tracy met the soft brown eyes of Lucille.   
  
"Why wouldn't I be all right Virg?" he asked.  
  
"Because you are you and it's been 20 years since Mum died.", he said with great sensitivity.  
  
They both looked away from each other. Scott could only murmur "mmm".  
  
Scott was grateful for Virgil. He was so like their Mother not just in looks but in his ways. He had the same mannerisms, gentle voice, concern for feelings, love of life and artistic talent. Even though Scott missed his mother dreadfully he took a lot of comfort in the fact that whenever Virgil played the piano in the evenings or painted out on the balcony as she had done, he felt that a little bit of her had stayed behind in Virgil for him still to love.   
  
Virgil himself grew silent as he too contemplated the fact that it had been 20 years since his mother had died. He had been five at the time and remembered everything about that day and sadly the time that followed. He'd spoken to his Grandmother a little over the years about what had happened and how he felt about losing his Mother but she was worried at bringing the subject up and always ended the conversation quickly. He'd have liked to talk about it with his Father and with Scott but his Father was too devastated and too busy and Scott - well Scott just tried to be brave and didn't want to talk. Instead Virgil was left to express himself in his music, writing songs for his mother, painting pictures of her which he kept in the storeroom so as not to upset anyone. He had quite a few beautiful canvasses just sitting gathering dust down there.  
  
Virgil finally spoke first.  
  
"So what are we going to do if things go wrong again with Dad and Alan?"   
  
Scott dropped his head onto the pillow and rubbed his eyes. He needed to sleep - his body craved it - and now with the Scotch willing him into slumber, he did not reply.  
  
"Scott?"  
  
Scott opened his eyes again - he might be tired - but there it was - the responsibility calling him again. One of his brothers needed him and he answered. It was the way it had been for 20 years.   
  
"Virg - all I can do is pick up the pieces again I guess. Let's face it we know it's going to happen. On one hand you've got Dad upstairs wide awake winding himself up like a spring, and on the other you've got Alan who has been building himself up to take offence at absolutely anything Dad says to him. Then I've got to deal with Johnny who is a wreck at the thought of another argument, Grandma who had all that worry about finding Alan last year and if that's not enough - there's the risk Gordo will open his mouth with some half smart remark that Dad will take offence to. Then there's you."   
  
Virgil knew what he meant by the emphasis on "you". He'd had been feeling more than just a little guilty about the comment he had made over Dinner which seemed to have started all the fuss for both Alan and his Father. He'd only wanted to have a little bit of fun at the kid's expense!!!. Everyone just seemed to get so touchy on March 11. It never changed.  
  
"You don't have to worry after me Scott." he said "I'm OK. Tactless but OK. You just worry about yourself for once."  
  
Virgil rose from the bed taking Scott's now empty glass from his sideboard. As he went to leave the room he heard footsteps coming down the corridor.  
  
"Hello Virgil."  
  
"No guesses where you've been" he smirked. "Is that kid still down there?"  
  
"Yes - doing checks takes time. Anyway good night Virgil."  
  
"Good night Tin-Tin".  
  
Virgil closed the door and went downstairs with the glasses. Scott sat up again and re-opened the door, walking past his Father's room where the light was still burning, down the corridor and stopping in front of the door that was the entrance to Tin-Tin's bedroom. He tapped on the door.  
  
Tin-Tin sat inside on her bed and felt her eyes grow wide with fright. She was still trying to comprehend how she felt about what had just happened down stairs. Surely it wouldn't be Alan. Her Father would be most displeased if he found her entertaining Alan in her bedroom at this time of night.  
  
She opened the door and was dumb-founded at seeing not Alan, but his eldest brother, standing in the hallway.   
  
"What is it Scott? It's very late" she asked, for once relieved that it wasn't Alan.  
  
"I know and we're both tired Tin-Tin, but I need to talk to you" he said apologetically.  
  
"Shall we go downstairs?" she asked. "I don't think my Father would well .. approve of me letting you in".  
  
Scott was a bit taken back. Surely Kyrano trusted him. But then he looked at the beautiful young woman dressed only in her robe and could understand why he would worry about that in a house full of men.  
  
"Sure." he nodded and she followed him down to the lower level of the Tracy villa.  
  
"Do you want some coffee?" she asked turning on the machine.  
  
Scott nodded. He probably would have preferred another Scotch but then ... maybe not.   
  
Once the coffee had been made she set down one cup on the table in front of Scott and sat down quietly facing him with her own cup in her hand. They sipped the coffee in silence. After a while Tin-Tin asked what he wanted to talk to her about. Scott reddened a little and ummed and ahhed without saying much. She looked at him with interest.  
  
"What are you trying to talk to me about Scott? It seems to be worrying you at having to say it."  
  
Scott looked embarrassed. Just how did he put this? He had to be careful as he knew she would probably tell Alan about it and then all hell would break lose.   
  
Tin-Tin continued to fix an expectant gaze on Scott.  
  
"Scott. You know you can say anything to me." she said softly as if trying to coax a bird to eat out of her hand.   
  
He took her hand and squeezed it. "I know I can honey ".  
  
"So just say what's on your mind then".  
  
He took a deep breath. All right then, she'd asked him!!!   
  
"Tin-Tin.." he began, "It's about Alan".  
  
She lowered her head. She knew that Scott watched out for Alan and had expected before long Scott would assume the role of concerned big brother and interfere somehow.  
  
"What about Alan?" she asked in a tired voice. "We're friends." she paused and frowned a little. She wasn't quite sure if they were becoming much more than that after what had just happened.   
  
"I know you're friends. You two have always been friends." he said nervously.  
  
Tin-Tin didn't understand what the point of all of this was.  
  
"That's all right isn't it?" she asked.   
  
"Sure it is."  
  
He rubbed the back of his neck and finally blurted outright, " Oh heck Tin-Tin I don't know any other way to say this other than just ask you. Are you and my brother - together?"  
  
Tin-Tin's hand flew to her mouth. What did Scott mean - together. Did he think that she and Alan were....??  
  
She stood up visibly worried, wrapping her arms around her body as if trying to shield herself from something bad.   
  
"Scott - no - Alan and I aren't like that."  
  
Scott realised what she thought he had meant. He stood up as well.  
  
"Tin-Tin it's OK. I just meant ... are you more than friends?"  
  
Tin-Tin shrugged admitting that she didn't think they were very much more than that, despite what she was was feeling. They had certainly not entered the "together" stage!!! Alan joked about a lot and whilst she knew that some of things he said were uttered in a mischievious, suggestive way, most of it was just teasing. She had always been teased by Alan. He loved to see her uncomfortable.  
  
But then - he had never kissed her like he had tonight - never held her quite so long - never looked that deeply into her eyes. Never pulled back like he just had.  
  
"Why do you ask me?" she enquired.  
  
"Oh - It's nothing. Just a bit of self-preservation." Scott said moving towards the door and turning off the light. "Good night Tin-Tin and thanks."  
  
Scott went to bed and lay in bed restless now - doubt still on his mind. He, like John, suspected that they were much more than friends even if their relationship was still innocent. Unfortunately unless the two of them admitted it to themselves and each other, he would have to continue to shoulder the responsibility of Alan's emotions tomorrow. As he fell into a fitful slumber he dreamed of how life could have been - would have been - if his mother hadn't have had all that trouble as she laboured to give birth to Alan.  
  
***********************Next Chapter - Reliving the Nightmare ***************************************** 


	5. Chapter 4 Reliving the Nightmare Part 1

Author's Note - Oh well despite some negative reviews I shall continue on in the spirit of International Rescue- not giving up if there is life in peril (even if it is my own!!!) This Chapter is one of recap to understand why Jeff feels as he does. It is in two parts. Hope you enjoy it and are not too severe in the reviews.   
  
CHAPTER 4 - RELIVING THE NIGHTMARE - PART 1.  
  
He never ceased to feel at peace here on this island, listening to the palm trees rustle and hearing the waves lap the shore. It instilled a feeling of contentment with life and gratitude at where life had taken him.  
  
The weather was calm, the night sky was clear, and somewhere up there in space, Thunderbird Five kept its lonely vigil over the earth unattended. Well at least he hoped that was what it was doing.   
  
Leaning over the balcony looking out to the darkened Pacific Ocean Jeff Tracy contemplated his dual life as the founder of Tracy Aerospace and as the driving force behind the International Rescue Outfit… and then his most important role of all -that of a sole parent.  
  
What those boys did never ceased to amaze him not only in the aerospace industry but also in valour and quick thinking, saving lives all across the world without thought for their own safety. Five more committed, talented and fearless men could not be found anywhere. Sure, he had provided the capital for the outfit but it was his boys that made International Rescue the organisation that it was. He was happy that all five of them were asleep under this roof right now even though he felt a pinch of worry that International Rescue may let someone down as a result of it.  
  
He wondered if maybe it would have been prudent to forget about insisting that all of the boys accompanied him to visit their Mother's grave this year and asked either John or Alan to remain in Thunderbird 5. He could imagine the reaction though - John had been very close to his Mother and probably would have been hurt and Alan - well he would have jumped to the conclusion that he was being sent away for some reason or other and carried on in his usual quick-tempered and immature manner.   
  
After all it had been 20 years now - a very long time to still be feeling as he did and he knew that. Maybe if he had have thought about it more often years ago he'd be over it by now - who could say. Do you ever "get over" loving a woman as completely as he had loved Lucy? Despite accepting that after 20 years he should be trying to forget the past Jeff Tracy only really permitted himself to think about it once each year and felt he needed his sons around him at that time - all five of them. He wanted them to remember their past too.  
  
It seemed though that instead of getting better, unfortunately things had been getting steadily worse with this ritual and Jeff hated seeing his sons unhappy. He loved them too much for that. He made a conscious decision that this year things would change.   
  
The way he figured it was that he had to address the issue of why Alan seemed determined to argue with him at this time of year. Nine years in a row was draining and down right ridiculous. He knew why the boy did it and felt sad that he should feel any sort of guilt about his Mother but Alan never let him get close enough to say that.   
  
Last year was a big mistake and Jeff knew that it started only because he had been feeling very vulnerable and Alan had taken what he said totally out of context and well -the fireworks had begun. Jeff Tracy would normally not enter into an argument with any of his sons, despite offering a bit of much-needed "guidance" to each of them every now and then. Well he had to say it - there had been blame on both sides - there was no doubt about that.   
  
If only Alan hadn't have stormed off like that. It had been a cause of worry for both he and his Mother for quite some weeks. Still, the boy had come home, had apologised, Jeff too had apologised and as far as he was concerned the matter was over.   
  
The past was the past when he dealt with his sons. They'd all done some of the most dreadful things as youngsters and if he'd have held a grudge for each and everything those kids had done, he wouldn't be talking to any of them!!!  
  
He chuckled a little at the thought of it.  
  
His mood changed and a frown stole across his forehead.  
  
He also needed to have a good talk to that youngest son of his about Tin-Tin. He had observed the change in the relationship those two shared as only a Father can and ironically so had Tin-Tin's Father Kyrano. Kyrano had remarked that the way they interacted with each other in the house would make anyone think they were "involved". Jeff had worried instantly. He loved Tin-Tin like a daughter and he knew how impetuous Alan was and didn't want there to be - dare he think it - any mistakes. Still Alan was a man now - even though Jeff wondered how he had ever made it sometimes - and guidance might be the last thing he wanted. Still he would talk to him anyway if only to appease his own mind and most probably that of Kyrano's.  
  
The final thing he knew he needed to make right before feeling more settled about the past was to try to get inside the emotional shield that John had put up around himself. If things were to change for the better and some sort of resolution reached with John, Jeff knew he had to be the one to do it.  
  
Decisions made he turned off the light and lay down on his bed cradling his hands behind his head and allowed himself to remember those last two years leading up to the day his perfect world ended.  
  
The years where his two youngest sons had been born and the day his beloved Lucy had died.  
  
………………………………………………………………………………………..  
  
Jeff was in a stage of his life where he had done all of the hard yards. Entering his mid 30's, he had it all - a previous successful commission in the Air Force, hand picked selection in NASA, several shuttle expeditions, a moon landing, a very successful aerospace business which looked like netting him a handsome profit yet again that year and a marriage pretty well made in heaven.  
  
He'd been married to Lucy at the time for almost nine years and he loved her as much then as he had when he had first set eyes on her at a party, one year prior to that. It had been almost love at first sight for him and she'd obviously felt the same way as several months later she had agreed to come to America and move in with him. He was totally smitten with her, hardly able to concentrate on his studies he was so giddy with love. NASA had not been pleased at his temporary distractions. The only way he got himself back on track with his career was to ask Lucy to marry him within a few months of her arrival in Housten. He didn't have to ask her twice.  
  
Scott was born not 8 months after the wedding. Lucy had never stopped teasing Jeff that their wedding could have been a "shot gun type" if it would have been held any later, even though she did not know she was pregnant when he slid the wedding ring on her finger. Despite the teasing, deep down Jeff knew she had been disappointed (he would never say "unhappy"), at the prospect of a child so soon.   
  
Still - Lucy was Lucy and life just went on with her and Jeff loved that quality about her.   
  
Virgil and John were a different story. Lucy had planned their conceptions right down to the last detail!  
  
After John, they had decided their family was complete. Three strong sons - all-different, Scott like him, Virgil like her and Johnny - a bit of both but very highly strung. Johns wailings quite often made Jeff wonder if this was why the two of them didn't want anymore children!  
  
Lucy had desperately wanted a little girl and often chided him that Tracy men could not father them. There hadn't been a daughter in the Tracy family for at least five generations according to Josie. Even so, three children was enough, especially with the business growing and Jeff away from home often. Jeff was worried he might get himself into a position where he could not give his sons the fathering they needed and wanted to concentrate on doing the best he could with the three little boys he loved, no that they both loved, so dearly.  
  
Well another theory blown out of the water!!  
  
Not twelve months after their decision was taken, Lucy had telephoned him at the Office. She'd told him she had a Doctor's appointment that day but had declined to tell him what the appointment had been about. He had always been mindful of her privacy and didn't pry, knowing she would tell him anyway as they chatted away in the evening.  
  
"Hey - how's my girl?" he had asked her, happy to hear her voice on the other end.  
  
Her voice came over the telephone, disgruntled and unhappy.  
  
"Pregnant - that's how I am."  
  
Jeff's response had been a quiet "Oh".  
  
He didn't know quite how to react to the news especially when it was news that genuinely displeased him.   
  
"Jeff I just can't believe it. I don't know how this could have happened." she almost snapped with disbelief in her voice.  
  
  
  
"We'll talk about it tonight Lucy" he had soothed but he knew it wasn't much good trying to talk over the telephone on this subject. He sighed, rolled up the plans he had been working on, closed down his computer and informed his staff as he walked out that he was going home to deal with a "family matter."   
  
Once there, it had taken him nearly the rest of the day to talk her into a sense of quiet resignation which finally came as he pointed out that one and one made three unless you were careful.  
  
"I was careful" she sulked. "You know that".  
  
She had almost worn the carpet out that afternoon pacing up and down!  
  
Well the two of them had to accept the inevitable and Lucy set about trying to make John grow up a little faster than she had first planned, knowing that she only had six months to do it in.   
  
Wrong again!!!!   
  
The accident occurred four months later with Lucy falling heavily when she was on an outing with the boys. He had been on the other side of the United States on business at the time. Only seven months pregnant, and having a wretched pregnancy into the bargain, her waters had broken and the baby had gone into immediate stress, leaving the doctors no option other to perform an immediate Caesarean section.  
  
Jeff had received an emergency telephone call from the hospital and had literally "dropped everything" in a sheer panic attack, boarding his jet and flying himself across the country to be with her. He didn't know where his three little sons were - no idea about how serious Lucy's condition was and if the baby had survived. As he willed the plane to go faster he kept reminding himself that this was the very reason he had only wanted three children. Any more and he feared he'd have trouble but he thought he'd have trouble being a good Father to them - not making sure they made it into the world OK!!  
  
Gordon Leroy Tracy had a quick and eventful welcome to the world before his Father reached the hospital and lay in intensive care struggling to breathe in a humidicrib. Lucy lay under observation in the maternity ward, drugged but awake enough to be visibly upset. Scott, Virgil and John sat with the nurses having a right royal time; oblivious to the whole thing, although the three of them had been very very happy to see "Daddy".   
  
Jeff had kissed Lucy, squeezing her hand and tried to reassure her everything would be all right saying light heartedly that this was her best attempt ever to get him home for Valentine's Day.   
  
She tried to respond his attempts to comfort her but she was desperately worried about Gordon's chances of survival and was already blaming herself for his early arrival into the world..  
  
Gordon suffered a few setbacks at the start but he was a strong little fellow who was determined to survive and he came home only a few days after he would have been due, sporting a mop of auburn hair and the most crystal clear green eyes. A fourth son - so different from the other three. And still no girl!!!!  
  
Lucy for her part recovered reasonably quickly from the physical experience and was soon discharged but spent the next two months running to and from the hospital, whilst still trying to get John to cling a little less to her so she would be able to cope with the baby. John being John - it wasn't very successful!  
  
Life had settled down for them again and despite now having four children it didn't really change that much. Jeff loved his tiny red haired son and made a conscious effort to come home early from work each day so that he could give Lucy a break from the baby. He was conscious she needed time to herself.  
  
They needed time to themselves too. Jeff had become acutely aware that with the time he was away from home coupled with spending hours with his boys, he had been neglecting Lucy a bit. She didn't complain but Jeff himself felt more than just a bit guilty.  
  
He had plans of expanding his business overseas soon and this would mean that he would need to travel abroad and he knew he would be placing a very large burden on Lucy to raise the boys in his absence.  
  
He decided he would arrange a special evening at home for the two of them to discuss his plans and gauge her reaction before he committed the capital to developing them. His family still came first and if she disagreed because the boys were too young - well - he could live with that for now.  
  
He arranged for his Mother to come from Kansas and take the older three children out for the evening. Josie understood why they needed time alone and offered to take Gordon too. Lucy, whilst excited at the prospect of having Jeff all to herself for a change, still felt very protective of her four month old baby and what he had been through already in his short time in the world. She declined the offer, hoping Josie would not take offence - which she didn't - saying that Gordon would not cause any problem if he just stayed home.  
  
Once the boys had gone, the two of them marvelled at the quiet peace that suddenly consumed the house and laughed at how much free time they must have had when it was just the two of them. Jeff felt a great happiness seeing her laugh like that. She hadn't changed in the near 11 years he had known her. He loved her as much now as he did at the start and did not know how she could have stayed so unaffected by everything they had been through together whilst he had changed so much.  
  
"You know Jeff" she said, "You never change" she said, wiping that thought from his mind almost immediately!.  
  
"How's that?" he asked putting his arms around her prepared for a good story.  
  
  
  
"You've got something you're going to tell me and that's why we're alone." she replied returning the gesture. She looked up at him, very much in love with the man who was Jeff Tracy despite his terrible habit of making decisions and then informing her of them later. Luckily for them both so far he had made the right decisions.   
  
"Am I that obvious Luce?" he said looking surprised, pulling her close into his body.  
  
"Come on Jeff - I haven't been married to you this long for nothing."  
  
He reddened and opened his mouth to speak but didn't, deciding instead to kiss those full lips of hers. After a good two minutes she pulled back and said,  
  
"Don't change the subject now. What are you up to in that Aerospace world of yours?"   
  
"I 'll talk it over with you in bed if you like" he said softly. She just looked at him.  
  
"You needn't think I'll agree with you if you take me there," she replied giving him a lighthearted warning. "This whole thing was just a plot to give me an idea of what's going to happen next in the business Jeff and here I was thinking you just wanted to be alone with me."  
  
She feigned a hurt look and then burst into laughter as he went even redder.  
  
"I do want to be alone with you Luce but yeah I want to talk to you about the business too." he said shame facedly  
  
"I knew it!" she exclaimed pretending to push him away with her hands.   
  
  
  
He bent to kiss her again and she did not resist him. In the nursery Gordon woke up and grizzled for his bottle. The two of them looked at each other and Lucy sighed,  
  
"Right on cue. I'm sure he knows whenever you come anywhere near me.."  
  
She went to break free from his embrace but Jeff did not let her go. He had that look in his eyes that she knew very well.  
  
"For once my son can wait." he breathed and took her hand.  
  
Almost an hour later the two of them were sat up in the dining room, Jeff feeding Gordon his bottle, the little baby sniffling wretchedly at the delay he had experienced in getting his needs attended to. Lucy, clad only in a water green silk robe, was making some dinner for the two of them and looked across from the kitchen, laughing at the display of sheer misery their son was putting on as a result of having to wait for his bottle and some dry pants.  
  
"Oh Gordie that's simply tragic!" she exclaimed as he started to hiccup between sniffs and half-sobs.  
  
Gordon heard his Mothers voice and turned away from his bottle to look for her. He fixed his azure green eyes on her and broke into a huge grin that simply melted Lucy's heart. She smiled at him lovingly. Jeff, however, hadn't taken his eyes off her. He could never live without this jewel in his life. She was his best friend.  
  
  
  
"I love you Lucy."  
  
The words came out before he'd even thought to say them.  
  
"Sure you do!" she grinned placing the two plates on the table. "You want me to agree to something with your Business"  
  
"No - I mean it," he said earnestly.  
  
She smiled softly. She knew that he did.  
  
"I know sweetie. I love you too."  
  
Gordon had had enough of his bottle and Lucy took him from Jeff and sat him on her lap. She was pretty good these days at nursing a baby with one hand and trying to eat with the other. When John was about, she usually had to nurse two of them so tonight was nothing!. The little ginger-haired baby turned his head to look at her and she kissed the top of his head listening to him gurgle with delight.  
  
"So"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What are you up to in the business that you had to get your mother to come all the way from Kansas for."  
  
"Well - I've been thinking."  
  
"What's new Jeff?"  
  
"I am thinking about expanding again"  
  
"Where this time?"  
  
"Malaysia"  
  
"Malaysia???"  
  
Oh oh. He didn't like how she just said that!  
  
"Let me finish Luce - I am thinking of more than just Malaysia.  
  
"Where else?"  
  
"China."  
  
"What?"   
  
"Well - I've studied the markets and production costs and if I put in the work early and it pays off I should be able to pretty well assure you we'll be set up for life."  
  
"Can we afford to?"  
  
"If I do it in the right way. It's a big risk I'd be taking and I need your support."   
  
"How much of the Company are you going to use?"  
  
"80% "  
  
"Jeff that's a big risk."  
  
"I realise that and I know it will be hard on you and the boys."  
  
"I don't know if I could cope by myself for that long Jeff".  
  
"I can hire someone to help you out."  
  
"It's not the same Jeff. The boys need you here. I need you here."   
  
"I know but it's the right time to do this Lucy. I can find a balance with work and the kids."  
  
He had his business voice on again and when he spoke like that Lucy knew he really wanted to do it because he knew he could. Jeff was a risk-taker. Always had been. She liked that in him despite the security problem.  
  
"But 80%? Jeff what if it doesn't work out?"  
  
"I'll work hard. It will work out."   
  
"You work way to hard already Jeff."  
  
"I'm doing it for us Lucy."  
  
Silence. Then the answer he had hoped to hear.  
  
"Well I'll guess I'll have to cope then."  
  
Dinner was cold now of course! Giving Gordon back to Jeff she picked up the plates and returned to the kitchen to reheat the food, pausing to say.  
  
"For that news Jeff I think I deserved more than just a night alone with you. You still owe me."  
  
"Really? Well who says it's over yet."  
  
"Jeff!"  
  
Dinner finally over, the dishes untouched, a pile of laundry waiting to be sorted, top level plans needed for a meeting in the morning still unopened on the table and Gordon awake in his cot ready to complain at any minute, the two of them lay again in each others arms.  
  
"I really need to get up Jeff," she whispered.  
  
He kissed the side of her cheek.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Your Mother will be home with the boys soon that's why." Lucy replied matter of factly, "and anyway Gordon's starting up again. I thought he'd have been no trouble but he seems restless tonight. "  
  
Jeff ran his hand over her shoulder, that milk-white English skin he loved so well.  
  
"He doesn't want to share you with me that's what his problem is." said Jeff.   
  
Pausing for a moment he kissed her again and then mused.   
  
"He's such a cute little guy."   
  
He looked intensely at that precious woman who was his wife, holding her hand in his.  
  
Almost ashamed he admitted, "Lucy you know I wasn't pleased at the time but I'm kind of glad we made that mistake."  
  
"Me too." she agreed stroking his forehead , "Thank you for giving Gordon to me Jeff."   
  
…………………………………………………………………………………………...............  
  
The push into Asia had commenced and Lucy had found it difficult to cope already.   
  
When Jeff did something, he did it in a big way and he had already been away on three week- long trips in the past two months since their conversation. Coupled with the current demands on his time in the States, there was hardly anytime to take a breath. Jeff felt uneasy that he had already lost the balance he promised Lucy he would find between this new project and his family.  
  
However he had made a decision that day not to travel for a month or two and was happy to be heading home. He closed the door of the car and walked up the pathway-taking note that the lawn needed a cut. Lucy must have forgotten to telephone and organise it.  
  
  
  
She greeted him at the door with a face that didn't appear too pleased to see him. After he kissed her, she promptly handed him Gordon who was crying like there was no tomorrow, his little face redder than his hair. She turned on her heel and left the room. Knowing how hard it was for her and noting how tired she appeared, he had decided to leave her to herself and went to find the other boys, pausing only to pick up the telephone and arrange for the lawn.   
  
After two hours and when she did not re-appear to make Dinner, he had gone to find her to see what was wrong. He was worried at what she was going to say to him, knowing full well what the answer was going to be. He found her upstairs on their bed in tears. Lucy didn't cry - ever. Things had to be pretty bad for her to cry. It really threw him off guard to see her like that.  
  
"Honey what's wrong?" he remembered asking her, sitting down on the bed and stroking her head.  
  
"Has Gordon finally stopped crying?" she blubbered. She was more upset than their baby had been. Jeff told her Gordon had taken a bottle and gone off to sleep not 10 minutes after he had arrived home and Scott was watching Virgil and John in front of the television. Outside, the gardener had finished up with the lawn and Jeff had ordered some take-out to be delivered for Dinner.   
  
She did not reply and lay with her back to him still crying as if her heart was going to break.  
  
"Sweetie talk to me" he said as gently as he could becoming quite alarmed. He turned her to him and lay down next to her pulling her into his arms. She pulled away from him, much to his horror, something she had never done before. She stood up and looked out the window her face buried in her hands as she tried to compose herself.  
  
He sat back up and waited quietly for her to settle herself down, still shell-shocked that things had become so bad that she was rejecting his genuine attempts to love her.  
  
It took some time for her to be able to talk. Jeff thought he would help and began  
  
"Lucy - baby - I know it's been rough and I promised it wouldn't be. I'm sorry it's upset you so much."  
  
She had just looked at him and shook her head; her chest looking like it was ready to start heaving again.  
  
"No" she hiccupped, 'It's not that. Well yes it is that ----- but it's worse than that. Jeff."she started, swallowed hard and started again, "That night we were here alone - well....".  
  
Jeff felt his face redden with fury as the realisation dawned as to what she was about to say to him. Not now, not with what he had just gambled with, not with his plans carefully mapped out. She wouldn't dare tell him that. He eyed her dangerously. He said in a low voice.  
  
"Lucille, don't you DARE say to me what I think you are going to say".  
  
THE ARGUMENT   
  
"Well I won't since you already know that I'm going to say it."  
  
"I told you I didn't want any more kids Lucille."  
  
"Don't you think I know that? I don't either. It's just happened again Jeff. "  
  
"For God's sake why weren't you taking anything"  
  
"Why is it my fault? You are as much to blame as I am. One plus one equals three - you said that last time"  
  
"I didn't think you'd be so stupid as to let it happen again."  
  
"I can't believe you just said that!"  
  
"Well I have. You know what we discussed that night. You knew the risks I was taking, the time away, the money involved. There's no room for any more responsibility in my life just now. I made that quite clear."  
  
"Responsbility on you - what about me. Johnny's not three until the fall - that's four months away and he can't be left for more than two minutes on his own without crying, Gordie's only six months old still dealing with all the problems of being born too early, I'm so sick I can't even stand up most of the day and tired all the time. I'm expected to do what you do with Scott and Virgil, care for the house, check their schoolwork, do most other things and in between try to remember where you are if your business contacts need you."  
  
"All the more reasons to make sure you don't get pregnant every time I look at you."   
  
"Well you shouldn't have looked at me then. You just expect to snap your fingers and there I am. You don't get left with the pregnancy - you don't get tired or sick or fat or walk the floors at night with one baby after the next. No Jeff all you get is a little bit more responsibility each time. I get the day to day reality of it all."  
  
"I have never snapped my fingers at you."  
  
"You've never called me stupid until now either."  
  
"Well if you can't work out after 4 pregnancies what the consequences are of not having precautions in place I have to wonder."  
  
"Well you won't need to worry again."  
  
"Meaning what.."  
  
"Meaning whatever you want it to mean."  
  
"I don't need this. I've worked at least 100 hours this week and when I came home I'd hoped to be with my wife - the one person I live to see when I'm out on this damned business. Not someone who just hands me my son in a huff and walks away without a word, not leave me to sort the others out, let alone tell me there's another one I now have to worry about."  
  
"I've worked those hours too Jeff but I haven't had the chance to sit back in the 5 star Motel sipping on a scotch and congratulating myself on how well I'm doing and how much money I'm making.  
  
"Don't you dare say that to me Lucille."  
  
"Why? It's true! Jeff; I'm telling you that we can't continue in Asia. You have to stop now. I need you here if I am going to cope with yet another baby. Three babies in less than 3 years is just too hard to deal with."  
  
"I can't pull out. It will send me broke."  
  
"Well let it. I can't do this any more."  
  
"No Lucille.I won't. You can't ask me to do that"  
  
"I'm not asking you Jeff. I'm telling you and you have to decide. It's me and the kids or the business."  
  
"Don't do this to me Lucille."  
  
"Well I don't have a choice. There aren't any other solutions."  
  
"Lucille !!!".  
  
"Jeff.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. "   
  
They stared at each other, both of them angry past reason.   
  
Silence as he had stormed out of the house and she dissolved into unstoppable and inconsolable tears unable to relate to the prospect of a 5th child growing within her. Their perfect marriage seemed over.  
  
............................................................................................................................................  
  
Jeff Tracy woke from his dream with a start and looked slowly around the room trying to get his bearings. The clock said 2.15am. He felt the beads of perspiration on his forehead. His stomach turned as he realised that the argument he had had with Lucille that night had been of the same intensity he had shared with Alan only last year. He'd even had arguments at the conception of his youngest child ,something he'd forgotten about. Jeff forced himself to reflect again. How unreasonable was he that night. How hard was that to deal with.  
  
.  
  
Part B in progress now. The 2nd part of the loss of Lucille Tracy and why Jeff is as he is at this time. Those Gordon fans should look out for the next Chapter!!! The romance bits need time to develop especially as there aren't many Alan fans out there.!!!! 


	6. Chapter 4 Reliving the Nightmare Part 2

Author's Note - Thanks for the reviews good, bad and helpful...especially Rain. I hope you enjoy it.  
  
CHAPTER 4 - (RELIVING THE NIGHTMARE) - PART B  
  
"Daddy look at Gordie, he's walking!!"  
  
That was Virgil, aged 5 years, taking great delight at seeing his youngest brother take his first steps. The little toddler, twelve months old that day, staggered a bit, smiled at his older brother and lurched forward towards his arms. It was a bit of a shame Virgil didn't catch him, leaving him sprawling on the floor.  
  
Jeff Tracy stepped forward quickly, gathered Gordon into his arms and threw him up into the air, pausing to kiss him hard on the cheek as he came down. Gordon didn't know whether to cry after the fall or giggle because his Daddy was making a fuss of him. He elected to giggle, the two little teeth in his bottom gums and the two in the top meeting in a huge grin. He buried his ginger head in Jeff's shoulder as Jeff hugged him close to his chest. Gordon loved his Daddy and it was very apparent that his Daddy loved him.  
  
There was something about Gordon that Jeff just could not resist. He often wondered if it was because he and Lucy had almost lost him. The little fellow had such a delightful nature, a beautiful welcoming smile and was so affectionate that his Father could not help but spoil him.  
  
Jeff Tracy had certainly been through a transition of his own over the last six months.   
  
Forced with the bare reality of losing Lucy and his sons, he had been forced to reassess his priorities and make adjustments and compromises with the still expanding Tracy Enterprises. He wanted to move into other areas of business besides aerospace one day and had altered his Company name in readiness.   
  
Jeff had fortunately managed to do this without Lucy following through with her very real threat of leaving him with only the business in his life. He had been scared though. He knew she meant what she had said that night. The last thing he would ever accept losing was the beautiful woman who was the mother of his children.  
  
Jeff thought often of the argument they had had over the news of Lucy's fifth pregnancy. He had stormed off that night, genuinely furious at Lucy for the failure of communication between them on who was actually responsible for not having the babies. However, when he had cooled down a little, he had to admit in the absence of a firm plan they were both to blame. Anyway this was definitely the last baby. Jeff had already taken the steps to ensure he was not going to have any more children and that had not been pleasant experience in itself either. Still there was no doubt anymore.  
  
"Daddy is mommy coming home today?" Virgil asked.  
  
"Yes Mommy is feeling better now." Jeff assured his second son.  
  
"I'm glad she can come to Gordie's party." he replied excitedly. Virgil loved parties. He had learned to play "happy birthday" on the piano recently and was thrilled he finally had a birthday to play it for.   
  
Jeff was extremely worried at what was happening a result of this pregnancy. Lucy wasn't well at all and was currently in hospital. After their initial confrontation, she had forced herself to put on a good front particularly in front of him. She pretended to be on top of it all when she quite clearly wasn't. She had lost a tremendous amount of weight despite being only waif-like to begin with, her blood count was down and it was clear to see she was simply exhausted. She was in hospital to rest, away from the day-to-day expectations of a young family and under strict instructions of her Doctor who was more than just a little concerned and quite vocal about her health. She was being allowed home for her youngest son's first birthday party on the sole condition that she rested.   
  
Jeff knew the circumstances were tough. After all she had not had much time to recover after having Gordon before their newest son had been conceived.  
  
He knew the baby was going to be another boy. Lucy's Doctor had informed him privately during one of the frequent discussions they had about her well-being. Lucy didn't know. Jeff wished it were a girl for her sake; at least it would have partly redeemed the fact that he had put her through yet another pregnancy. He had already decided the baby's name would be Alan Shepherd Tracy. Jeff hoped Lucy wouldn't be too disappointed in another boy but she had not spoken about having a daughter this time. In fact she had spoken very little about this baby.   
  
Jeff felt that even though he had apologized profusely to Lucy for the things he had said and tried every possible thing he could do to make it up to her after the argument, things had never really been the same. Coupled with the worry about her health and not overstepping the mark with the business, Jeff was finding the going hard. Emotionally it was tough and financially it was almost disastrous.   
  
Still, there was only a month to go before Alan was due and after she had recovered, it was Jeff's intention to take Lucy away with him alone and try to get things back to the way they had been before all this had happened. He hoped that it would be possible.   
  
He now fully understood the stress and strain he had placed on Lucy. Since he had been caring for the boys whilst she was in hospital, he hardly had a moment's peace and quite literally fell into bed each night. He had a housekeeper come in twice a week to do the basic chores, which at least gave him a little time to run his business from home. He couldn't afford her full time, which was his original plan before Lucy fell pregnant. Most of his capital was tied up in the business and with his plans in Asia on indefinite hold; they were living tight right now. However, the housekeeper certainly eased things a bit for him and she'd arranged Gordon's party for him before leaving earlier that morning.  
  
Jeff became aware of a set of brilliant blue eyes looking at him timidly.  
  
"Daddy." John had said. "Can I go with you to get Mommy?" he squeaked in his tiny little voice. He looked down before he looked back at his Father and added,   
  
"I won't ask to sit on her lap Daddy, I promise."   
  
Jeff smiled at his shy, quiet little boy and knew that if nothing else had come out of Lucy being unwell, at least John had been forced to be a little less dependent on her. Jeff had taken steps to put that right but it had been hard to be tough on little John. He regretted that John was now so timid towards him. Anyway, it had worked and he was sure that John would grow out of being shy. The main thing was there was now one less problem for Lucy to deal with.  
  
"Sure you can sport. You can ride up front with me if you like." he replied, picking John up as well as still holding Gordon. How Lucy nursed both of them at once was beyond him. She certainly wouldn't be able to do it now.   
  
With Scott, Virgil and Gordon securely strapped in the back of the car and John happily in the front as Jeff had promised, Jeff had pulled into the car park of the hospital. Outside on a bench Lucy sat patiently with her bag.   
  
"Stay here boys," Jeff said as he got out of the car and walked towards her. As he drew closer his face lit up as it focused on that beautiful woman that was his wife. He looked at her, her chestnut brown hair swept up in a half bun. God she was beautiful no matter what she did.  
  
She was heavily pregnant and still looked very tired but she was his for the weekend and he was grateful for that.  
  
She stood up to greet him, bending to pick up her case. He went forward quickly to relieve her of it.  
  
"Hi Jeff." she said, kissing him on the cheek.  
  
"Hi Luce. Are you doing OK baby?"  
  
"Yeah I am." Her voice still had a tired sound to it.   
  
"Feeling better?"  
  
"Yes. The rest has done me good I guess. How about you? Tough with the boys?"  
  
"Nah - you know me. The boys are OK."  
  
"Yeah sure Jeff."  
  
"Well they do make doing business a bit difficult"  
  
"Yes they do."  
  
At that point Jeff opened the car door and Scott, Virgil, John and Gordon all sighted their precious mommy. Jeff watched all four little faces light up with joy.  
  
"Hi Mom", eight year old Scott had said fixing his blue eyes on the woman he loved so completely. If only his Dad hadn't made him wear that stupid seat belt he he'd have been in her arms now. He pretended to be tough around Virgil but he had really missed his mother these last two weeks.   
  
"Hey Scotty. Missed you. "  
  
"Me too Mom. Mom... Gordie walked today."  
  
"That's what I wanted to tell Mommy. " said a devastated Virgil, trying to get her attention.  
  
Lucy turned to Jeff.  
  
"Did he Jeff?"  
  
Jeff nodded and saw her face fall a little but mindful of Virgil he said "Virg wanted to tell you all about it and I'm sure he'd like to do it now."  
  
Virgil felt most important and looked at his Mother after a sulky glare at Scott. He loved looking at her. She was so pretty and he loved her so much. He told her the full story and then half of it again.  
  
"Gordie walked over to me Mommy - he did - but then he fell over. Daddy said I should try to catch him next time".  
  
Lucy smiled.  
  
"Yes V - you probably should. I'm sorry I missed seeing him do that."  
  
She looked at the little blonde sitting obediently in the front seat.  
  
"Hey Johnny."  
  
"Mommy! "  
  
"Oh baby - have you been OK?"  
  
"Yes. Daddy said I'm a big boy now."  
  
"Yes you are darling but I still need you to hug me later. We'll put Gordie to bed together and then you can come and sit with me a bit."  
  
"OK Mommy and I promise I won't sit on your lap."  
  
Lucy looked back at Jeff surprised. Jeff nodded at John approvingly and then opened his hands in mock surprise at her.  
  
" I can do anything Lucy. Just ask me. "  
  
"Thanks Jeff. That's a big relief."  
  
On hearing a squeal from the back of the car she turned back.  
  
"And here's my birthday boy. Hey Gordie." she said ever so gently.  
  
Gordon smiled at his mother and held out his arms to her. He didn't like being strapped in when his mother was right there in front of him.  
  
She reached forward and took him out of his chair, pausing to hold him close with an intensity that made Jeff worry how lonely she must be away from her boys. Her tiny red-haired son immediately snuggled into her body, his head resting on her shoulder. He loved his Mommy too and Lucy adored Gordon.  
  
After a few minutes it was obvious Gordon wasn't going to move.  
  
Jeff suggested they at least try to get home so she could rest. Scott, Virgil and John sat in their seat-belts, Gordon dozed in his Mother's arms and Lucy, tired as she felt was happy that she had her four sons with her again and happy to be going home.  
  
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The party had been a grand affair with Gordon taking more steps much to the delight of all of his brothers and his two parents. Virgil got to play his "Happy Birthday" on the piano and despite a few mistakes and extra notes was very proud of himself even though Scott had given him grief making comments like "Aww that's not right" and "That's too slow."  
  
Jeff had cleaned up the kitchen afterwards, taken down the balloons, and was now rewarding his efforts at handling the birthday party with the rare luxury of a Scotch. Jeff didn't drink a lot but these days he couldn't even afford that. Tonight was different though. Lucy had come home and he was feeling happy about that.  
  
He sat down in the leather armchair opposite her. She was only half awake and looked very drawn and pale. Snuggled in beside her was John. He had not left her side since the party began but he had honored his promise to Jeff not to cling. Lucy held him close and he hugged her lovingly in return. He was nearly asleep.   
  
"OK little guy. The others are in bed. I think you should say good night to mom and I'll tuck you in."  
  
"I don't want to Daddy."  
  
"John. You know what I said."  
  
"OK Daddy. Good night mommy. I'm glad you're here."  
  
"I'm glad too Johnny. I love you."  
  
She watched as Jeff took his hand and led him into bed.  
  
Five minutes later he returned. Picking up his drink ,he came and sat beside her on the Lounge. He put his arm around her and she put her head on his chest. The two of them reminisced about being in a hospital this time last year, on Valentine's Day, a day for lovers all around the world to enjoy. They, on the other hand had been terrified that they were about to lose their fourth son. At least this year, he was a healthy little boy, the centre of their world along with his three brothers.   
  
"Jeff you've done a marvelous job with the kids."  
  
"Thanks Lucy."  
  
"The party was wonderful."  
  
"Yeah it was. And it was better that you were allowed to come home. "  
  
He stroked her hair and kissed her.  
  
"You know I've been thinking."  
  
She looked down at her distended stomach and then back at him. She arched an eyebrow at him.  
  
"Can't you at least wait until the result of your last lot of thinking arrives Jeff!"  
  
He laughed softly and hugged her. Every now and then a little bit of her old spark came back. He knew he could get it all back if they could just have the time together.  
  
"No. After Ala... err... the baby's born I'd like you and I to take a break together. Maybe fly to the UK and see your family first and then onto a resort on an island somewhere."  
  
Those steady, sensible brown eyes filled with tears.  
  
"We can't afford that now Jeff."  
  
Those tears brought back his guilt at their argument.  
  
"Sure we can. I've got investments everywhere. It'll be worth it and it will be my tenth wedding anniversary present for you."  
  
"Jeff we're broke. I know that. It doesn't matter."  
  
She wiped her eyes and looked away sadly.  
  
He turned her face to him and looked at her. She was making him cry now.  
  
"Lucille I love you darling and I want this for you. I'm going to fly my Mother out here next August and it will happen because I want it to. And so that you don't get yourself worked up let me assure you that we are not broke. I still have thirty million dollars tied up in Asia."  
  
"Yes but it's not making any money."  
  
"I know that and you know that but when I finally go ahead with my plans it will."  
  
"In the meantime what do we do? We can't live on just nothing."  
  
"Lucy please stop it. We're fine. The company in the States is secure and the profits are paying my interest debts as well as the medical and other bills and educating Scott and Virgil. Let me worry about the money. You just worry about you."  
  
They said nothing for a while. He took her hand.  
  
"So will you come with me."?  
  
She nodded. "Of course I will. Especially since I won't get pregnant any more."  
  
He was relieved again to hear the spark in her voice. With that he changed the subject.  
  
"So Gordie's walking. Boy are we in for it now."  
  
She smiled at him knowingly before her face dropped a little.  
  
"Yes I'm sorry I missed that milestone. Gordon's the first one I've missed do anything major."   
  
"Never mind you won't miss the next one."  
  
"Not for the same reason anyway".  
  
She shifted painfully on the couch as she felt the frantic kicking of her unborn baby. The frequency and intensity of it was starting to worry her a bit. It was like something wasn't quite right. Still Jeff didn't need to be worried about that; it was her problem just as the pregnancy was.  
  
"I know it's a boy you know." she said watching him go red as what he thought was his secret was no longer a secret from her.  
  
"How do you know?" he asked innocently.  
  
"I had a scan yesterday. It was pretty obvious to me after having scans for four other boys. The Doctor confirmed it for me and then told me you knew Jeff."  
  
"Yeah well I've known for a while." he admitted, disappointed he had been caught out.   
  
Now the old Lucy was there, teasing him, giving him grief.  
  
"Jeff, I keep telling you that you cannot father girls. None of your family can. The scary bit for me is if my five boys are like you I might end up with at least twenty-five grandsons."  
  
"Holy Moses. Let's not even think about that."  
  
He looked down and then directly at his beautiful wife, his everything.  
  
"So are you disappointed Luce?"  
  
"Well a bit. But I was with John and Gordon too and I wouldn't change either of them now for anything."  
  
"Even John?"  
  
"Even John!!"  
  
She was yawning now and her swollen feet and sore back didn't make it pleasant sitting on the couch. The thought crossed his mind to return her to the hospital despite the inconvenience to the now sleeping household. He needed to hold her close to him to make himself feel better and less afraid of where life was taking them right now. She had always been his rock and at the moment whilst he was trying to be hers, he was afraid of what was going to happen if the company went down and he lost her and his boys because of it.  
  
"Lucy are you sure you're OK?" he asked placing his hand on her belly as she grimaced again with all the kicking.  
  
"I'm fine Jeff. I'm just tired and the kicking doesn't help."  
  
"He's kicking rather a lot don't you think. Is that normal? I can't ever remember any of the others like that."  
  
"I know but I guess it's OK. The Doctor would have said something.  
  
You'd just better hope that when he comes out that he slows down a little Jeffrey."  
  
"I want to call him Alan, after Alan Shepherd. Remember him?"  
  
Lucy nodded. "The Astronaut? I hope he doesn't mind. "  
  
Jeff was pleased she agreed with his choice. Alan Shepherd had been his inspiration as a very young man.  
  
Suddenly a wicked smile stole across her features.  
  
"I wonder if someday some deranged man like you might want to call his son Jeffrey Tracy Smith."  
  
"Well they might and I'd be honored!"  
  
"Oh Jeff. You are so pathetic!!!" she laughed and kissed him.  
  
.................................................................................................................................  
  
He couldn't take this much more. He couldn't do anything to help. He'd been ordered to sit in the corner away from the birthing table and there was confusion everywhere.   
  
Ten minutes before there had been just the two of them and the midwife until something on the monitor made her leave the room in what could only be described as panic. She pressed some red buzzer he had never noticed before. Within seconds there were doctors everywhere, nurses running about with equipment, everyone giving orders over each other and he had been shoved out of the way.  
  
Over the commotion he heard her screaming his name in absolute agony as the Doctors examined her and listened frantically for the baby's heart. They couldn't hear it. Jeff felt his heart in his mouth and tried to speak but nothing came out. He jumped up from where he sat and tried to see what was happening.   
  
A nurse took his arm and pushed him back towards the seat.  
  
"Mr. Tracy please stay out of the way. This is an emergency."  
  
This was a nightmare. It couldn't be real.   
  
He covered his face with his hands and felt them shaking. He had been to the moon and back, nearly lost Gordon but despite all of this,he had never been this afraid before in his life. Jeff felt himself saying a prayer as another Doctor was brought in. He was the surgeon Jeff remembered thanking for saving Gordon. He seemed to take charge of the other Doctors and Jeff heard him barking orders to them to scrub.   
  
"Prep her for theatre. I've only got two minutes to get this baby out."  
  
  
  
Two minutes. Jeff saw those two minutes pass in slow motion right before his eyes.  
  
He followed as they moved the table from the quiet dim atmosphere of the birth suite to the harsh lighting of the operating theatre next door. The nurse forced him to put on a gown.   
  
"Lucy! Lucy can you hear me?"   
  
It was her own Doctor trying to talk to her as an anesthetist almost ran through the door.  
  
"Uh huh. This hurts so bad. It never hurt this bad before. It's tearing me up the middle."  
  
She began screaming again. Tears were streaming streaming down her face.  
  
"Mrs. Tracy you've got to help me. Listen to me. The baby's cord is around his neck. He's got no oxygen."  
  
"What? Oh no… Is he OK? …Where's Jeff ... I want Jeff..."  
  
"I'm here Lucy. It's gonna be OK."  
  
"Mr. Tracy for God's sake get out of the way!! We have to operate."  
  
Lucy started to bear down and her Doctor started screaming too.  
  
"No Mrs. Tracy. You can't push! Don't please. You'll tighten the cord further. "  
  
"I can't help it. Oh God please stop."  
  
"We can't have him in the birth canal. " the Surgeon warned in a low voice.  
  
"Don't push. Think of something anything but pushing." the Doctor begged.  
  
"I can't!! "   
  
The nurse looked at the monitor attached to Lucy  
  
"The baby's in arrest. No heart beat."  
  
"I've got to go in. Get the gas on to make it less painful for her." the surgeon demanded earnestly, ordering the anesthetist to commence. He had to start cutting immediately and he knew Lucy was going to feel it. He had no choice. Lucy gasped as the first cut happened.  
  
An incubator was rushed in. A pediatrician came in with oxygen and stood next to the surgeon. Their faces were lined and worried.  
  
"Jeff!!!" she screamed thrashing about and the nurses tried to hold her still.  
  
"I don't like this. The baby's head is down further than I first thought. It's a breech delivery as well. I'm going to have to cut right down. There's too much blood for my liking. Hold her still. For God's sake why isn't that gas working? Lift the dose."  
  
"The dose is at maximum Doctor."  
  
"'It can't be"  
  
"It is Doctor."  
  
The seconds seemed like hours as he worked with lightening speed.  
  
"Still too far down. I can't cut too much further this way without major damage.  
  
"That baby hasn't got much time Doctor. Lower extremities are blue." said the Pediatrician next to him.  
  
"Mr. Tracy?"   
  
Jeff's mouth fell open.   
  
Surely they weren't asking him to choose?  
  
Instead Lucy screamed for them to get the baby out. All of this, the argument, the trouble with the business, the suffering she'd already gone through with this could not be for nothing. She wanted her baby.  
  
As he made his final incision thankfully she fell into blackness and within seconds Jeff Tracy saw the lifeless form of his baby son almost torn from inside her followed by a flood of blood. The pediatrician began working feverishly on him as another nurse untangled the cord that still pulsed around his neck. He wasn't responding. Jeff felt tears running down his cheeks.   
  
Lucy was still hemorrhaging badly, her whole abdomen open. The nurse wiped the sweat from the surgeon's forehead. He could not stop the bleeding.   
  
In the rush to open her right up something had gone wrong. He was still barking instructions, the baby now the least of his worries. The surgeon clamped and re-clamped finally getting the bleeding under control. She was going to need a transfusion in a big hurry and many more hours of surgery yet.   
  
When finally a tiny cry came from where they were working on the baby, everyone in the theatre breathed a temporary sigh of relief. It had been two minutes to the very second.  
  
"Thank God" Jeff wept with sheer relief. Once the baby was reasonably stabilized he was whisked away into intensive care in the incubator. The Surgeon insisted Jeff leave the theatre immediately. This was not looking good for Lucy.  
  
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"Mr. Tracy."  
  
Jeff looked up from where he sat with tired eyes. He was completely drained.  
  
He had been outside the theatre worried sick for five hours now. Hopefully this was news that she was finished in surgery. He rose to greet the Doctor. Jeff felt he owed this Doctor big time. If he hadn't stopped Lucy pushing, he wouldn't have Alan now.  
  
"How is my wife?"  
  
"Mr. Tracy. Jeff. I'm afraid I have some bad news for you about Lucy."  
  
Jeff's face went white. "What do you mean?" he breathed.  
  
The Doctor looked at him with genuine sadness and sincere sympathy. He'd gone through this whole pregnancy with Jeff, shared his worry over Lucy's health, and he knew how close the two of them were. He also felt for the fact that the young man in front him had five little boys.  
  
"Jeff. I hate to tell you this but ...well it looks like Lucy isn't going to make it." he began gently. "The bleeding can't be stopped. The surgeons tried everything. The C Section just went wrong. If we'd known about the problem with the cord earlier, we'd never have let her labor go that far. I'm so sorry that I have to be the one to say this."   
  
Deadly silence.  
  
"So now after all of this you're telling me that Lucy is doing to die?" Jeff spoke and tried not to sound like he was blaming anybody but he sure as hell wished he could.  
  
" Lucy doesn't have long left Jeff. I suggest that you might like to spend the rest of the time with her in a private area. I'll arrange for Alan's incubator to be brought in from intensive care so she can see him. We'll talk, afterwards".   
  
Jeff just stood there nodding stupidly, his bottom lip trembling, tears welling and falling from his eyes.   
  
"Doctor" he gulped back a half-sob. "Is my son all right?"  
  
"Yes Jeff. He'll be fine"  
  
It wouldn't sink in. She couldn't be dying. This was Lucy. His wife. His everything.   
  
He reached into his pocket and pulled out his mobile telephone and called the house. His Mother was minding the other four children for him whilst they had been at the hospital.   
  
"Jeff!! Thank God. I was starting to get worried. How are Lucy and the baby?"  
  
"Mom - there's been complications."   
  
"What do you mean Jeff?"  
  
"Mom please I don't have time to explain."  
  
He tried to tell her what had happened and more importantly that she needed to bring the boys to the hospital immediately for them to see their Mother. Josie started to cry as he hung up in tears.  
  
The Doctor showed him into some sort of small room. It was a special room designed for this sort of occasion. There was a bed, a couple of chairs, a clock, a telephone and a buzzer for the Doctor. There were no treatment boards or a place for flowers. It was simply a room for people who were terminally ill to die in. But this was Lucy; she wasn't old and sick or terminally ill. She was a young woman and all she had come to do was give birth to their last baby. This just wasn't right. She didn't deserve to die here.  
  
Jeff wiped his red eyes and tried to stop crying before he saw her. He owed her that at least. Before entering the room the Doctor said,  
  
"Lucy is awake and in a fair bit of pain Jeff. I um have told her she isn't going to be taking the baby home."  
  
He nodded rigidly and walked through the door. Despite trying to compose himself, the sight of her lying in the bed with machines attached everywhere when he had held her in his arms only the night before, caused him to break down totally. No he couldn't cry, he had so much had wanted to say to her. A lifetime of things he'd put in the back of his mind to discuss with her. Plans he wanted to make. Plans that included her. They were supposed to be like his Father and Mother and grow old together, watching their grandchildren play. Not this. This was not the way he'd planned it to be.  
  
He came and sat where she could see him and took her hand. She opened her eyes.  
  
"Jeff" she breathed smiling weakly. "I'm glad you're here."  
  
"Hey there princess." he said as gently as he could.  
  
"Have you seen the baby?"  
  
Jeff looked at the tiny little scrap in the incubator next to her, the result of that night they had spent together and the cause of that stupid argument that really didn't matter any more.  
  
"He's beautiful sweetie. He's a lot like John by the look of him. Finally we might have two the same."  
  
She smiled and grimaced, "I hope he's not going to give you as much trouble."  
  
Tears spilled from the sides of her brown eyes.  
  
"I'll never get to hold him or love him or see his first steps. I'll miss his just like I missed Gordie's."  
  
"I'll watch them for both of us Luce."  
  
"Thank you Jeff. You are such a good Father. I know the boys are safe with you."  
  
"Lucy I can't go on without you."  
  
"You don't have a choice Jeff. You've got the boys and your business is everything to you. You have to go on."  
  
He clutched her hand and put his head down and began to sob as the reality of what was really important in his life surfaced as he looked at losing it.  
  
"No Lucy you're wrong. You are everything to me not the business."  
  
"Jeff I am so sorry," she said sobbing too.   
  
"Baby don't say that. I've done this to you. It's me who should be saying sorry."  
  
He went to put his arms around her but couldn't. Every movement hurt her and she felt herself starting to feel distant.   
  
The door opened. It was Josie. She led Scott, Virgil and John into the room and held onto Gordon. The three little boys looked at their Daddy and saw his tear-marked face and devastation. They turned to look where their beloved Mommy was and knew what Grandma had said in the car about her going to heaven was true. Scott started to cry, Virgil followed. John just sat there looking at his mother, too young to understand.  
  
Lucy asked to see John. Jeff held John where she could see him and all she could do was cry. John cried too at the sight of seeing his Mother like that and ran and buried his head in his Grandmother's arms. Josie tried to comfort the little boy.   
  
Virgil was allowed to come up to her alone. Their identical eyes locked. They were brown and loving. Lucy loved this little boy more than life itself and didn't want to leave him. Life was something she was losing the battle with.  
  
"Virgie" she breathed taking his little hand. "You and I - we will always be the same. Look after your Daddy for me. Make sure you love Daddy like I do."  
  
"Mommy" Virgil said sniffing sadly and looking towards the incubator. "Is that baby our new brother?"  
  
Yes V - this is Alan. I need you to look after him for me"  
  
"I will mommy".  
  
Scott came forward then. He was almost nine years old, a replica of Jeff. The devastated little boy cried so hard that she tried to sit up to gather him into her arms. However, she couldn't sit up any more. It hurt too much. Scott lay on the bed in her arms crying as if his heart was going to break. He promised her he would look out for his brothers and care for his Daddy. He was her first baby, - the special one, the one who would go on to be everything she and Jeff were about and everything they would ever have been. Nothing would change that.  
  
Gordon had seen his Mother and was screaming to be held by her. Josie placed him on the bed and he immediately cuddled up to her. Lucy really started crying now.  
  
"Gordie." she whispered, struggling to not only breathe but also focus on what was happening.  
  
"Mom take them out" she heard Jeff sob. 'She's going."  
  
Josie did as Jeff had asked pausing only to kiss Lucy on the forehead.  
  
"My precious little girl. What you have done for my son is more than what I can ever thank you for. I will take care of your babies. Don't you worry sweetie."  
  
Those words were all Lucille needed. Her breathing became erratic. Her hand reached out for Jeff's.  
  
Jeff sat on the bed and slid his hands behind her back drawing her close to him. He looked at her as he had done all those years ago at the party. He had known somehow even then that she would be the mother of his children. She looked into his eyes and Jeff looked at her beautiful features one last time.   
  
" I love you baby" he whispered, his tears falling unchecked.  
  
"Jeff... I love..."   
  
She drew her last breath, her body relaxing into his arms.   
  
He pulled her closer to him sobbing uncontrollably. She had gone.  
  
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Jeff sat up with a start, his body lathered in sweat. He was sobbing. It had all surfaced again. The guilt he felt at what had happened to Lucy because of him. He should never have have suggested that night alone. He had never forgiven himself for what happened as a result of it.   
  
Breathing as normally as he could he re-focused on the present, even though the past could never be forgotten.   
  
He knew what he had to do with Alan.   
  
Next Chapter - Some Fatherly Advice 


	7. Chapter 5 Some Fatherly Advice

Author's Note - Thanks to all who reviewed the previous Chapter. We only have three Chapters to go in this one. Hope they meet your expectations!!! mcj.  
  
CHAPTER 5 - SOME FATHERLY ADVICE  
  
"What the... Gordon you dumb ass get the hell off me!"  
  
Alan was awoken from a very deep sleep and most enjoyable dream about he and Tin-Tin by his red-haired brother who took a flying leap on to his bed and landed on top of him. Gordon ruffled his brother's already tousled hair and proceeded to give him a huge kiss on the mouth.  
  
"What are you doing you idiot!."  
  
"Well by the look on your face before I woke you, I figured someone should be kissing you."   
  
"Jackass! I said get off me! You must have put on weight or something."  
  
Gordon who was still sitting on top of Alan pushed him down harder into the mattress.  
  
"Make me baby boy."  
  
"You asked for it Gordo."  
  
Alan pushed up against him despite still being half asleep and they grappled good-naturedly together across Alan's huge bed, ending up on the floor with the bedclothes strewn everywhere on top of them.  
  
"Hey you're makin' that bed up again." Alan warned him.  
  
"Yeah? I got news for you boy."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"And it's all bad!"  
  
It started again, this time on the floor and despite a good fight, Gordon ended up the victor, pinning Alan to the floor on his back. Alan looked up at Gordon's imposing figure, his broad shoulders and strong upper body. He had the body of an aquanaut.  
  
"I give up Gordo. You win...again"  
  
"You astronauts are such pretty boys. Can't fight to save yourselves. Give me Scott and Virg any day."  
  
"Yeah well you caught me off guard." Alan complained. "I was asleep!"  
  
Deep down Alan knew he didn't give the fight everything he had. He had to be careful with his brother. Gordon was still recovering from a terrible hydrofoil accident. Even though it had happened many months ago it had nearly killed him, leaving him in a coma for months and he had required extensive therapy to recover. The accident had scared their whole family half to death and they were all still getting over it in one way or another. However, no one had been more scared than Alan. He was particularly close to his brother Gordon.  
  
They were only thirteen months apart and shared the common bond of being raised from babyhood without their Mother. Gordon could not remember Lucy no matter how hard he tried. The earliest thing he could remember was plucking up the courage to ask Scott who was around thirteen at the time why everyone else he knew had a mother and he didn't. Scott had sat him down and tried to explain and then warned him in no uncertain terms that he wasn't to talk to his Father about it and no he wasn't going to tell him why.  
  
Gordon and Alan had grown up together and were the best of friends, however two more different brothers would never be found in looks or nature. Gordon had an easy going, affectionate personality which had never changed from birth whilst Alan was completely the opposite. Their Grandmother had always said Lucy had made Gordon the way he was in the one year that she had him and Alan's manner came from the fact that she had never had the opportunity to try. Josie wished sometimes she could have. Alan certainly needed it.   
  
The two of them sat on the floor together.  
  
"Happy birthday Al." Gordon said after a while and hugged him, giving him an affectionate pat on the back.  
  
"Thanks Gordo. I appreciate it."   
  
"You're still a kid though."  
  
"That so"? asked the blonde.  
  
"Care to try me on again then?" challenged the red-head.  
  
The light-hearted wrestling started again, this time Alan ending up the victor. Despite Gordon's health he couldn't let him think he was weak.  
  
"Who's the pretty boy now "? he asked with a grin.  
  
"You are. All astronauts are the same." Gordon fired.  
  
"I'd watch what I said about astronauts if I were you." came a warning from the door.  
  
The heads of the two youngest Tracy sons spun towards the doorway. It was their Father.  
  
Alan stood up, followed by Gordon.  
  
"Get out of that you worm." Alan laughed under his breath. "You kind of forgot that Dad's an Astronaut."  
  
"Dad. You're too old to be a pretty boy." Gordon said in his usual joking manner but deep down he remembered what today was and what happened last year. He didn't want to be the one to get his Father off on the wrong foot.   
  
"Is that right?" Jeff said good-naturedly looking at Gordon's face changing colour. "Well as good an aquanaut as you are son, just remember there are three astronauts under this roof today."  
  
"Aww Dad. You just caught me giving it to the kid. You know I didn't mean you and Johnny!"  
  
"Let me tell you, you two are going to get it all right if your Grandmother sees that bed looking like that," he said, observing at the mess all over the floor. "The two of you never change when you're together. Now Gordon if you don't mind."  
  
Jeff indicated that he wanted Gordon to leave him alone with Alan. He swallowed a bit as he left the room. Alan swallowed too and started picking up the strewn blankets and sheets. Jeff said his name and came close to him drawing him into a hug that lasted a long time. He wanted this hug to be not just from him but from Lucy, thoughts of her still uppermost in his mind.  
  
"Happy birthday Alan." he said softly.  
  
Alan looked at his Father.  
  
"Thanks Dad."  
  
Silence. Alan didn't quite know what to say and was quite frankly worried to say anything.  
  
"Ah hem. Later on this morning when we fly out to Boston, I'd like you and John to accompany me in Tracy 1."  
  
Uh oh, Alan thought. Here comes the lecture about not radioing in from Thunderbird 3 last night!  
  
"Dad", he said uneasily. "I usually fly over with Scott."  
  
"I know but I'd like things to be different this year. We three astronauts had better stick together by the sound of it." he said shaking his head with a grin at the very thought of being called a "pretty boy" by his second youngest son.   
  
Alan's urge told him to just ask for the blast about the radio straight away but a voice inside his head told him to keep quiet. Maybe it was Scott's voice, maybe it was John's, but something stopped him.  
  
"OK Dad. If that's what you want." he replied agreeably.  
  
"Yes Alan it is. Now I'm going down to breakfast. Don't you dare leave here with your bed like that. I can hear Grandma down the hall."  
  
"Yes Dad."  
  
Jeff paused for a moment preparing to speak to Alan further and then thought better of it. The time would be right later in the day. Today was the day he chose to be with Lucy and at least he had started it the right way by hugging their last child, as she would have and thinking of her. He left the room as Josie went to walk in. Her eyes met Jeff's. Jeff kissed her.  
  
"Good morning Mother. I'll see you downstairs."  
  
"Are you all right Jeff?" she asked  
  
He nodded. "Yeah I'm fine Mother."  
  
She watched him go and then turned her attention to her youngest grandson, the apple of her eye.  
  
"Sakes alive look at this mess! Alan Shepherd Tracy I've a mind to put you over my knee!" she exclaimed, sounding genuinely cross.  
  
Alan picked her slight frame off the ground and hugged her. Six foot one of muscle; he'd like to see her try. He kissed her cheek.  
  
"You don't mean that Grandma. Anyway Gordon did it. Not me!"  
  
"No it's never you is it Alan? You're always the innocent one. Now put me down before you injure me!"  
  
Laughing, he did as she asked pausing then to wrap his arms around her. He loved this woman so completely. The woman who had helped his Father raise him. The one who always saw life like it was and the one he knew he couldn't fool even though he liked to think he could.  
  
"Happy birthday my darling." she said. "Now I want a quick word with you if you don't mind."  
  
He held up his hand. Not another warning. He'd gotten the message for goodness sake.  
  
"You don't have to worry Grandma. I have no intention of going off into the wild blue yonder this year in a huff. I'll behave for Dad's sake I promise."   
  
She looked at him a little ruffled but with relief all over her face. One of those brothers of his must have talked some sense into him since dinner last night. Nodding to herself she knew it had probably been Scott. Poor Scott. He was always settling this boy down.   
  
"Well that's good then." she said. "I've been up half the night worrying about it."  
  
"Well you don't have to Grandma."  
  
She looked at the young man in front of her and thought affectionately of the sweet dark haired little girl who was downstairs making him breakfast. When oh when would he come to his senses and tell her that he loved her. It was so obvious to Josie that they both felt the same about each other and were too stubborn to admit it.  
  
"You'd better run along. You've got a pretty little girl waiting downstairs who loves you." she said giving him a light hearted push towards the door.  
  
He colored scarlet.  
  
"Grandma don't say that! Tin-Tin and I are just friends. She doesn't love me."  
  
Josie knew she was right by his reaction! She'd touched the nerve. She had become expert at saying just the right thing since she had been helping Jeff with his boys.  
  
Well maybe today he might walk with her and tell her he loved her. It would be about time.   
  
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
  
"This is Jeff Tracy to Tracy 2. Come in Scott?"  
  
"This is Tracy 2. FAB Dad."  
  
"What is your position?"  
  
"205km south east of Boston. Yours?"   
  
"Five minutes in front of you son. Tracy 1 out."  
  
"FAB"  
  
Scott put down the radio and looked at Virgil and Gordon. His two brothers looked as apprehensive as he did. At least their Father still sounded all right on the radio. It seemed comfortable to assume that Alan hadn't said anything stupid to him yet but all three of them were waiting for it.   
  
Scott was still reeling from the light headed and sick feeling he got when his Father told him over breakfast that he would be taking John and Alan with him to their old home town of Boston, the place where their mother was buried. In the past Scott had deliberately taken Alan with him each year so that when they arrived and left the cemetery, and his Father was upset, he could keep an eye on him. He always took John too as John usually ended up as upset as his Father did and Scott was able to offer him at least some words of comfort. He had tried to think quickly this morning and made up one excuse after another why both John and Alan would be better off in Tracy 2 with him but his Father had dismissed each and every excuse he offered. Scott realized he should have known better than to try to change his Father's mind. It never worked when he was set on something.   
  
He wondered what his Father was trying to achieve by having those two with him. He could only imagine what was happening in Tracy 1!  
  
"We should be there in just under thirty minutes boys." Jeff Tracy said scanning the controls. It had been a while since he'd taken Tracy 1 for a spin and he loved flying with a passion. He always had. It was in his blood.   
  
He turned to look at John. John was twisting his hands together as if he was about to have a nervous breakdown. He'd been like that since they'd left the island and Jeff felt so sorry for him. Lord he had to sort this boy out today for his own sake. Alan sat next to John looking almost as terrified as he was but unknown to him Alan was waiting to be confronted about the night before. What a pair these two blondes were. No wonder a man was starting to feel old!  
  
Well since the two of them weren't going to say anything to him, he decided that it was best that he at least talk to them.   
  
"I've been thinking." he began and on listening to himself, suddenly felt tears well in his eyes. That terrible line that Lucy always picked him up on and teased him with. He swallowed hard. How could that stupid line upset him so much after twenty years? Steadying himself he realized both sets of blue eyes were on him.  
  
"Yes Dad?" asked John.  
  
"Umm. "  
  
"Dad. Are you OK?"  
  
"Yes. I was going to suggest that when you return to Thunderbird 5 John that I come with you into space. I am only realizing today just how much I miss being in the air."  
  
Alan and John looked at each other surprised. That was a turn up for the books. Since when did Dad leave his desk? The last time he had done that was when he was testing Thunderbird 3 before their operations had begun.  
  
"Yeah there is nothing like being in space. The speed is where it gets me in. It's nothing but an absolute blast." Alan said forgetting he was on his way to Boston.  
  
"It's the beauty of seeing the earth." John breathed. "I never get tired of looking at it. Night after night I look at it and it is always beautiful."  
  
"It's better from the moon. One day when our operations extend there I hope you are privileged enough to see it like I was. It is a most humbling experience." Jeff said sincerely, remembering his time in NASA.  
  
The three astronauts shared their common love of outer space in those few minutes without even realizing they were doing it.  
  
"Besides," Jeff said, his voice changing to his stern fatherly tone. "The two of you need some instruction on proper disembarking procedure after last night."  
  
Alan's heart started pounding. Not now. Just when he was enjoying being with his Father. "Keep calm Alan" he said over and over in his head. "Just take it on the chin today. You promised Grandma."  
  
John felt like he was going to throw up. He'd finally stopped worrying about Alan and thinking about his Mother for a few minutes to share his love of space with this father. Yet here it was. The lecture. Oh well. He'd taken the blame for Alan's mistakes for years. What was one more time?  
  
Alan didn't know that John had admitted to being responsible last night and John didn't know Alan didn't know.   
  
"Now I'm not going to make a big deal out of this but it is important to the safety of International Rescue that you follow the appropriate procedures. It was irres...."  
  
"Tracy 2 to Tracy 1. Dad come in! Over."  
  
It was Scott sounding more than just a bit agitated. Jeff recognized the panic in his voice.  
  
"Tracy 1. This is Jeff Tracy. Go ahead son."  
  
Scott swallowed. He didn't know what his Father was going to say to this one!   
  
"Dad. Tin-Tin has just radioed me from the base. She and Kyrano have been watching the newscast and it seems there is a woman trapped on a very dangerous ledge in a National Park near Ontario. Apparently, according to the report a call was put in to us but we haven't responded. Obviously the auto-pilot in Thunderbird 5 doesn't seem to have picked it up".  
  
  
  
Scott heard John swear in the background. "Stupid bloody autopilot! I knew it would fail Alan!"   
  
"Why didn't Tin-Tin radio me?" Jeff blurted his tone full of aggravation. "I'm on the damned frequency."  
  
"Dad. … maybe she assumed your mind was on other things."  
  
"I don't care what the hell the date is Scott. I am still the head of this damned organization."  
  
Scott cringed at his Father's tone and worried Alan would pick up on it too. Of course, right on cue, he did.  
  
"Dad - you can't blame Tin-Tin." he began defensively.   
  
"What did you say to me Alan?" Jeff Tracy scowled.  
  
Sweet Mother of God. All of them, Scott, John, Virgil and Gordon held their breath. Of course the stupid kid would stand up for Tin-Tin. They all knew how much he was in love with her, despite everything he said.  
  
"She'd just be trying to watch out for you Dad," he stammered, realising the mood his Father was in.  
  
"Well she needn't. I am still able to make decisions even if I do wear my heart on my sleeve on this day." Jeff retorted dangerously.  
  
"Yes Sir. I'm sorry." Alan gulped.  
  
His brothers breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"Well Dad - what are we going to do?" Scott asked. "Should I turn back Sir?"  
  
Jeff Tracy frowned. This was the one-day that he allowed himself to be with Lucy not just in his mind and heart, but also in person. Visiting her grave in Boston was important to him. He wanted to be there today, where he had left her, and he wanted his sons to be there too. He just couldn't not go there for the first time in twenty years. He couldn't let her down like that after what she had gone through on this day for him and for Alan.  
  
He then thought about the woman on the ledge. Maybe she had a son too. Maybe she had five sons who might not have a mother if he did not respond to her call for help. Maybe she had a husband who loved her liked he had loved Lucy who might be left to cope like he had been. That was the catalyst for Jeff. No one should ever have to cope with what had happened to him.   
  
He squared his jaw and spoke with authority.  
  
"Scott. I want you to return to base. Launch Thunderbirds 1 & 2. Check with Brains as to which pod is needed after he views tape of the newscast. Get Virgil to take Gordon and if Gordon isn't up to the physical rescue out of ship, get Virgil to do it while Gordon pilots. Get Tin-Tin to monitor the situation until I get back from Boston. Scott, I need you to take charge of this one from the air."   
  
"FAB . You can rely on me Dad. Altering course for Base."  
  
With a magnificent sweep, demonstrating the depth and brilliance of his piloting skills he turned Tracy 2 almost 180 degrees back towards the South Pacific base.  
  
"And Scott…" Jeff continued over the frequency and with difficulty. "I hope you can understand."  
  
Tears pricked Scott's deep blue eyes.  
  
"Yeah Dad." he said softly. "I do. Say hi to Mom for me."  
  
Jeff's eyes misted again at the sensitivity and understanding of his eldest son. If only the youngest one had some of it. There he was, large as life, at it again!  
  
"Dad. You can't let Gordon go. He's not up to it yet after the accident and he's sure as hell no pilot." Alan protested. "I think you should turn back too. I'll go instead of Gordon."  
  
Jeff sighed.  
  
"International Rescue can do without its Astronauts this time Alan. Besides I need you and John with me today."  
  
"But Dad…"  
  
"No buts son. " he replied. "International Rescue can get the job done without you. Your brothers will be fine... even Gordon."   
  
"Dad - the autopilot..."John interjected, visibly upset at its failure. "I don't know how it could have failed. We both checked over and over. Didn't we Alan?"  
  
"Yeah we did Dad." Alan nodded supporting John. "How could it have gone wrong?"  
  
"Well I think we have to learn from our mistakes. This just shows that we have to have a physical presence in Thunderbird 5 in the future,", he said and meant it. This could not happen again.  
  
He turned his attention to the radio.  
  
"This is Jeff Tracy to Boston Airport. Seeking your permission to land."  
  
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
  
The three of them stood there, two blonde sons on either side of him and Jeff Tracy, the man who had loved her. All three of them looked down at the grave of Lucille Tracy, mother of five sons, wife of the renowned astronaut who had loved her before he had ever gone into space and after he had returned. Who had met her when he was a young man in the air force and handpicked to go forward into space for his country. Who was unaffected by who he was and what he was destined for in space exploration history in the United States. Who never changed who she was for any one. Who loved him as a man. Who had borne his children without concern for herself. Who had supported him in his business dreams despite the risks he took. Who understood he was a man with a dream and a plan and a destiny. Who gave her life giving birth to his last son. Who he would never stop loving no matter what.  
  
John read the inscription on his Mother's headstone over and over as if trying to memorize it somehow.  
  
"Lucille Evans Tracy.  
  
Beloved wife and best friend of Jeff.  
  
Much loved mother of Scott, Virgil, John, Gordon and Alan.  
  
The shining star in our universe that will shine on forever in our hearts. "  
  
John's bottom lip trembled. He had loved his mom so much. He searched the stars himself to find meaning for it all. Despite him achieving a career with the stars, he still had not found what he had been searching for all this time. A meaning and an answer for why she had died.  
  
Alan stood there reading the inscription as he did every year not feeling anything other than guilt. He really wished he had known Lucy Tracy. She must have been one hell of a lady if his Father had been so affected by the person that she was and was still in love with her after twenty long years. Only those with substance, intelligence and sincerity ever impacted on his Father. Alan knew that from experience. His Mother must have had all that and more for his Father to care this deeply. He wondered how it would feel having a Mother to ask what he should do about Tin-Tin, tell how he felt about her, and ask what he should do. He wondered what she would have said to him.   
  
"If love is what you feel in your heart take it with both your hands before it passes you by. That is what life is about."   
  
  
  
Those words speared up into his head from nowhere. Were they her words? The words made sense to him and standing here in this lonely place he could only believe that they were.  
  
"Mom." he said silently allowing himself to use her name in his heart for the first time in his life, "I will."  
  
John however started to fall apart beside him. Stressed from the loneliness of Thunderbird 5, the failure of the autopilot, this awful place where his mother was and the guilt he felt at blaming Alan for it, was all too much for him. What started as a sniff ended up as a full-blown breakdown.   
  
He burst into tears despite trying hard not to lose control, as he knew it would upset his Father. Alan looked over and quickly wrapped his arm around John.  
  
"Johnny please don't cry. "  
  
"I can't hold it in anymore. I just can't."  
  
Jeff Tracy came to stand beside John Glenn Tracy. That was enough now. It was time this was sorted out.  
  
"Alan" Jeff said deliberately, "You can see there is a reason for me to be alone with your brother right now."  
  
Alan nodded rigidly.   
  
"Yes Sir. I'll be in the car monitoring the rescue if you need me."  
  
Jeff looked put a comforting arm around John's heaving shoulders. John lowered his head and sobbed harder. Alan heard him as he walked away and started to feel even worse about being born that day. Look what he had done to John.  
  
"I'm so sorry for all this Dad. " John gulped trying to pull himself together.  
  
"John sit down here with me. I need to talk to you."   
  
"Can't we go somewhere else Dad? I just can't look at her grave any more."   
  
"John you have to face this just as much as I do. Sit down son."  
  
John's lips trembled as he obeyed his Father. Jeff joined him on the grass. He looked towards the river as he tried to think of something to say to this middle boy of his. The one who had loved his Mother the most of all if there was such a thing. The one who could express his feelings the least.   
  
The view was beautiful here. He had selected this spot for her back then in the midst of his devastation because he knew she would have liked it here. He hoped she did. John was silent now as he plucked the grass with his trembling fingers but tears still ran unchecked down his face.   
  
"Son. You can't go on like this. You have to learn to cope with what happened to your mother. I know how much you loved her. From the day you were born you were in her arms. Every moment of every day."  
  
John swallowed a fresh bout of tears before answering.  
  
"I can't help feeling like this Dad. It's like a part of me is dead inside. "   
  
"Well I've thought about that over the years because I've had a feeling that how you feel was my doing."  
  
John fixed his blue eyes on his Father, his whole soul bared for him to see.  
  
"What do you mean Dad?"  
  
"John. " Jeff began gently, "You were very difficult as a little boy. Your Mother really had a lot to deal with back then. I was away a lot, more than I should have been I suppose and it was very hard for her with you as you were. She didn't complain John don't get me wrong but the day I had to put her into the hospital to rest because you expected her to carry you when she was carrying Gordon already and pregnant with Alan too, I saw red with you. You were only three I knew but I just couldn't stand watching your mother dealing with three babies. I had to make you grow up even though it was by force. I was overly harsh on you John. I've regretted it ever since even though it made life better for her then. In thinking about it, taking your Mother away from you before the good Lord did was wrong. I still see you next to her on the couch the day she came home for Gordon's birthday party, too frightened to sit on her knee in case you got another caning from me. How you held her. How she held you…"  
  
Tears welled in Jeff's eyes as he remembered.  
  
"Dad. All this is not just about Mom." John said with shame.  
  
Jeff wiped his eyes and waited for John to continue expectantly.  
  
"It's this guilt I feel that I need to tell someone about. I can't tell anyone else but you as you seem to feel the way I do."  
  
Jeff still said nothing. What other burden was this poor son of his carrying around in his heart? No wonder he looked like he did last night when he came in from the space station. No wonder he had cringed in his embrace.  
  
"After last year, you know with Alan. What you said and what he said. Well I've always blamed Alan too Dad and it's killing me inside to think that two of us are doing that to him."  
  
Jeff shook his head. Poor confused emotional boy.  
  
"John. I've never blamed Alan for what happened to your Mother. I tried to blame the Doctors for a while but they did everything they could. I watched them with my own eyes and I was fooling myself to think it was their fault."  
  
He paused as John started crying again as much from relief as anything.  
  
"Son I would never have thought that there would be enough room in your heart for you to blame your brother for this. He was a defenseless little baby who nearly didn't pull through. The reason we seem to argue every year is the pure fact that he sees us in pain like this and from the time he understood the significance of his birthday to our sorrow, he has blamed himself for it. He's over in that car right now probably blaming himself that you're all cut up and building himself up to another row with me. I'm not going to let it happen again, God willing your mother will help keep me silent today. "  
  
Silence again.  
  
"Dad, about the radio and the failure of the autopilot. I'm sorry for failing you Sir."  
  
"Johnny'" Jeff said softly. "You've never failed anyone and I'm going to tell you something. I know it was Alan's fault with the radioing in and while I'm at it the time the neighbor's cat was shaved and every other time you've protected and stood up for your younger brothers, I knew it wasn't you. Those two are men now. You don't have to worry about them like you do. Lord knows Scott does enough worrying about them for all of us."   
  
"Thank you Dad." he whispered.  
  
"You're welcome John. Let's go home now."  
  
"Dad, I love you."  
  
"I'm happy to hear that John."  
  
………………………………………………………………………………………………  
  
The rescue had been a success and Scott was congratulating himself as he turned the Thunderbirds towards home. Gordon had managed the difficult cliff-face rescue extremely capably and was looking forward to thumbing his nose at his baby brother on reaching home. Scott told him in no uncertain terms that he certainly was not.  
  
Scott had just spoken to his Father who was now back at the base and was anxiously enquiring of the details. Jeff seemed pleased with how he had conducted the mission and sounded agreeable enough. Scott breathed a sigh of relief. Two thirds of the 12th March was nearly over. So far so good.  
  
…………………………………………………………………………………………….   
  
Jeff Tracy and his son John sat in deck chairs by the swimming pool awaiting the return of the Thunderbirds. Jeff screwed up his nose at the non-alcoholic Bloody Mary that Kyrano had just given him.  
  
"Geez Kyrano this is a bit hard to swallow" he said and he was telling the truth.  
  
Kyrano apologized profusely but explained that Josie had taken it on herself to confiscate each and every bottle of alcohol within a hundred mile radius of the island in her own effort to keep everyone's head together this year.  
  
"Well" Jeff said ruefully taking another sip, "I guess that's all I can have then."   
  
He patted John's arm affectionately. He looked and seemed much brighter now. Jeff was relieved as he really thought he was going to lose the boy to his misery. On the way home the two of them had spoken amiably about space and the book John was writing on astronomy. It was the most Jeff had spoken to his son in twenty-four years. Alan on the other hand, sat in a frozen silence when he wasn't complaining about the fact that he wasn't on the rescue. Jeff felt a crisis looming   
  
with another son. Not this year.   
  
The two of them turned their attention to the pool where Alan and Tin-Tin were swimming. Jeff watched how Alan responded to Tin-Tin and she to him. As the afternoon progressed Jeff noticed small things about them that were only recognizable by someone who had done it all before. The touch of a shoulder every now and then, the lighthearted prodding, the eye contact. He was becoming more than just a little worried. These two reminded him of he and Lucy that night in the farmhouse when they'd first…  
  
Jeff Tracy stood up in a panic. He had to talk to Kyrano.  
  
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
  
"Fatherly Advice"  
  
"Father."  
  
"Tin-Tin."  
  
"Father, I need your advice."  
  
"You have it."  
  
"It's about..."  
  
"Mr. Alan"?  
  
"Yes Father! How did you know"?  
  
"I am your Father."  
  
"Father. I have been Alan's friend for..."  
  
"For more years than you can remember"?  
  
"Yes but it is not enough any more."  
  
"You have other feelings for Mr. Alan?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Tell me of them daughter so that I may help."  
  
"I think Father they are feelings of love."  
  
"You love him"?  
  
"I think I do."  
  
"Those in love can usually tell."  
  
"Could you tell Father."?  
  
"Yes Tin-Tin I loved your Mother. It was that love that brought you to us. It was love that died within her before she left you with me."   
  
"I love Alan. I think he feels the same."  
  
"Have you told him that."?  
  
"No."  
  
"Has he told you that."?  
  
"No."  
  
"You two have a lot to say to each other. Hence you need my advice little one."  
  
"Should I tell him Father"?  
  
"Those who care in this way do not keep secrets from one another."  
  
"What if he does not feel the same"?  
  
"He will still know the truth of how you feel."  
  
"I'm afraid he won't Father."  
  
"This is the risk you take in matters of your heart."  
  
"I guess."  
  
Kyrano placed his arm around his young daughter. She was a beautiful, gentle girl and he was sorry she had grown up without a Mother to speak to about matters such as this. It was hardly appropriate he direct her to Josie being the grandmother of the young man concerned. However he had been feeling troubled ever since he had spoken with Alan's Father just over two hours ago.   
  
The matter they had discussed was delicate and private and Kyrano was unsure of how to broach it with his daughter.  
  
"Tin-Tin. May I ask this question of you?" he began.  
  
"Father? You know I keep nothing from you."  
  
"You are a now a grown woman and a beautiful one. That is plain for me to see and it is plain for Mr. Alan to see. I have no right to ask this of you but for the sake of my relationship with Mr. Tracy I must know."  
  
She looked directly at him.   
  
"You're going to ask me if Alan and I have been intimate aren't you Father."?  
  
He lowered his head and reddened.  
  
"I am not here to judge either you or Mr. Alan my daughter. It is simply that I know."  
  
"No Father. We haven't...yet"  
  
"Do you intend this to be"?  
  
"Yes Father. If he asks me."  
  
"You would commit yourself to Mr. Alan in this way"?  
  
"Yes I would."  
  
"Without question?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well my precious little Tin-Tin, I think your answer is there for you. You are in love with him in one way. Whether your love is enduring or only that of the body can only be revealed with time."   
  
"I am in love with him Father not just his body."  
  
"Mr. Alan will see it is the same for him."  
  
"He will Father"?  
  
"His Grandmother knows as I know. You and Mr. Alan - you are made to be one."  
  
"Father what I should I do?"  
  
"Mr. Tracy came here earlier and told me a story of he and Mr. Alan's mother. About being intimate and not careful. It caused me great pain to hear it as much as it gave him pain to tell it to me. He has never spoken of Mrs.Tracy to me before. I think he may have the same fear for you and Mr. Alan and that is why he told me."  
  
"Mr. Tracy knows I love Alan too"?   
  
"He does not know from Mr. Alan lips. Only from what he sees my daughter."  
  
"Thank you Father."  
  
"I have watched you grow without your Mother from a child to a woman Tin-Tin. I have been of little help in many things in your physical being but in matters of your heart I thank you for confiding in me."  
  
"I love you Father."  
  
"As do I my dear child. Be careful I beg you."   
  
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I hope this Chapter gave you the insight as to why the first chapters were written as they were.   
  
Next Chapter - Man to Man 


	8. Chapter 6 Man to Man

Author's Note - Thanks again for the reviews. I appreciate them. This Chapter is my favourite. I can't wait for you to read it and I hope enjoy it like I do. Let me know what you think.  
  
mcj  
  
CHAPTER 6 - MAN TO MAN   
  
"Come on Grandma. You've got to be kidding me!" exclaimed Scott Tracy.   
  
The tall dark-haired man leaned on the stainless steel kitchen bench with his face almost on the floor. Still in his International rescue uniform he looked an imposing figure to the sprightly old lady and it occurred to her just how much like his Father he really was. Identical height, same eyes, same features and definitely the same way of expressing his displeasure when he didn't get what he wanted!  
  
Josie eyed him with pride. He was like his Father all right. An achiever. Responsible. Hard as nails when he needed to be, soft and gentle underneath. Strong. Brave. Lucille Tracy would have been proud of the man her eldest son had grown to be especially when he had willingly taken control of that rescue today to allow Jeff to do what Josie knew was so important to him.   
  
She'd been listening to the radio when the two of them had spoken and had shed more than one tear at their words. Now here he was giving her trouble!  
  
"No I'm not kidding you. I'll give you the same answer I gave your Father when he came in from Boston. No alcohol Scott."  
  
"Grandma I only want one scotch. It's been rough out there today, running things from the air. Come on, you can't mean it."  
  
"I mean it all right. We've gotten this far today and I'm determined to make it to my bed tonight in a much better state of mind than I did last year. I was worried sick"  
  
"I can see where Dad gets his stubborn streak from." Scott sulked striding over to the coffee pot and pouring himself a cup. "One little drink sure as hell isn't gonna hurt Grandma."  
  
That's what she'd thought last year and look at the condition they'd all got themselves in!  
  
Stubborn streak. She'd give him a stubborn streak.  
  
He came and sat down on one of the kitchen stools with his coffee and gave her the look. She recognised it instantly. He wanted to talk. She looked about her. The trouble with Scott was when he started talking; he kept going and changed the subject often. Best that anyone who could be one of the subjects was not in earshot.  
  
"Don't worry Grandma. Dad's walking on the beach, Alan's in his room, which worries me a bit, and the rest of the guys are in the pool. I checked. Where's Kyrano and Tin-Tin?"  
  
"They went upstairs last I saw," she said frowning. She didn't know what had happened there. One minute she and Kyrano were planning the menu for Dinner, the next Jeff had come into the room like his pants were on fire wanting to talk to him. Half an hour later Kyrano came back looking like he'd seen a ghost and the next minute Tin-Tin asked to see him in private. He'd taken her upstairs a good hour ago and neither of them had been seen since. It had to have something to do with Alan with that combination of events. Lord what had he done this time! The clock on the wall said ten past four. Whatever Alan had done, Josie hoped it didn't blow up before this day was done.  
  
"So sweetie. What's on your mind."  
  
"My Father of course. Was he OK when he got back from Boston Grandma?"  
  
Josie nodded and saw the relief on his face. This man loved his Father so deeply it touched her to her very soul.  
  
Scott felt like a ton weight was lifted from his shoulders. He'd been worried about leaving his Father to go to the cemetery alone especially with those two brothers. He imagined he would be coming back to another "rescue" here and had worried about it all the time the rescue operation in Ontario was in progress. Thank goodness nothing seemed to have happened.   
  
Scott felt strange not going to the cemetery this year. Like somehow he didn't care and he knew that wasn't true. He'd stood next to his Father at that grave every year for nineteen years, starting from when he was only as half his height to when he finally grew to look him in the eyes. He had even come back from his posting in the Air Force every year on the 12th March to stand beside his Father. While his Father still had breath in his body Scott expected himself to stand next to him. He had seen what his Father had gone through raising them without his mother and would always be on hand to show he cared.   
  
His thoughts wandered to those he had of his Mother as he turned the plane away from Boston to take charge of the rescue.  
  
The night his Father had stormed out of the house. The only night he had ever heard his parents argue like that. They never argued. He'd been awake through the whole thing and became quite frightened at how loudly his Father was yelling at her and how upset she sounded. How awful the sound of her crying was when his Father had gone. Even though Scott had been scared that his Father would return and yell at him he had crept down the hallway and into his parent's bedroom. He had never seen her cry and it upset him immensely. Scott was very protective of her with his Father away from home so often and felt a certain degree of eight years old anger towards him for walking out on her. Scott had just stood there next to bed not knowing what to say or do.   
  
"Please don't cry Mom. "Scott remembered himself saying all those years ago as the plane swung around. "I won't ever go away from you like Dad."  
  
Funny he remembered those words right at that point but sadly he also remembered it made his Mother cry harder about the argument she had just had.   
  
His Grandmother brought his mind back to the conversation.   
  
"I think something may have happened there though," she said carefully as she knew he would start worrying again.  
  
"How's that?" he asked immediately concerned.  
  
"John seemed happier somehow when they returned today."  
  
"I'm glad about that. Johnny was a mess last night Grandma believe me. You had to be in Thunderbird 5 to see it."   
  
Josie poured more coffee into his cup. There was nothing she loved more than converse with her eldest Grandson.  
  
"I know," she mused. "He is a sensitive boy. It amazes me how unalike the two of you are."  
  
"Hey I'm sensitive too Grandma!" Scott exclaimed pretending to be hurt.  
  
"You know what I mean Scott. Our young John has never really gotten over your Mother dying you know."  
  
Scott sighed. He knew that but then who had in this house?  
  
"And while I'm on the subject. Thank you for sorting that brother of yours out last night."  
  
Scott looked blankly at her. Which brother did she mean now? He was always sorting one of them out.   
  
"I mean Alan."  
  
He nodded in recognition of the "sorting out" he had done in Thunderbird 3 all the way into space and almost half the way back again. God that kid drove him crazy sometimes.  
  
"That's OK Grandma. I thought we were in trouble at one point in the plane when I had to tell Dad about the rescue. Alan started to argue but then thought before he spoke for a change."   
  
A noise on the stairs caused them both to look around. It was Kyrano and Tin-Tin. Josie fidgeted and started worrying again about what was going on. Tin-Tin didn't look upset but Kyrano still looked worried to death.  
  
"Mr Scott. You have returned. I believe your mission was a success."  
  
"Sure was Kyrano. It ran like clockwork."  
  
"That I am pleased to hear."  
  
"The trouble is my wicked Grandmother has hidden all the Scotch." he said tweaking her nose. "I don't suppose you could rustle me up a glass?"  
  
Kyrano smiled. He was such a gentle man.  
  
"Alas Mr. Scott. I too am under strict instructions from Mrs Tracy today. I would offer you one of the drinks I made for your Father however it was not much of a success I'm afraid."  
  
"Sounds like I'd better pass then."  
  
"Very well Mr. Scott." and with that Kyrano went out onto the balcony with Tin-Tin. Josie strained her neck to see what they were talking about.   
  
"Grandma! Stop trying to eavesdrop!" Scott scolded her with a grin. "You're setting me a bad example."  
  
"Well I'm worried."  
  
"What about?"  
  
"Never you mind about what."  
  
"Come on Grandma! I'm your right hand man."   
  
"Something's up around here."  
  
Josie went on to tell Scott about his Father speaking with Kyrano all too suddenly and Kyrano speaking with Tin-Tin. Scott's lips curled in amusement. She was a real "nosey parker" and he went on to tell her so. Josie pursed her lips together as he continued to tease her.  
  
"Grandma, its probably nothing to do with Alan." he said the smile not leaving his face. "Stop worrying."  
  
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Alan lay on his bed looking up at the ceiling. It was five o'clock in the afternoon and normally by now he and Tin-Tin would be taking their afternoon walk. However today his Father walked alone on the beach below and he was doing everything he could to keep away from his Father right now.   
  
Alan felt he had made a good effort so far this year in trying to avoid aggravating him. He'd agreed to fly with him to Boston, and he'd actually enjoyed watching his Father's brilliant skills at the wheel and listening to him talk about when he'd gone to the moon. He'd stopped himself arguing when his Father became agitated at Tin-Tin about contacting Scott about the rescue and not him. He'd stopped arguing about not being allowed to go on the rescue when he normally wouldn't. He went away when instructed by his Father when John was upset and needed to talk. Too bad no-one realised he terrible he felt but that was how he spent his birthday every year. Feeling bad and this year John had made him feel the worst he'd ever felt by breaking down like that.  
  
He had been a bit worried when he saw his Father and Kyrano sitting out on his Father's balcony watching Tin-Tin and himself in the pool. They were talking very earnestly up there. One minute his Father had been sitting with John, the next he was housed up with Kyrano. Alan hoped he hadn't done anything wrong by pulling at her bikini top in the pool. He saw his Father frown when he'd done that.  
  
His thoughts returned to her. He had suggested that they take their walk after Dinner when the moon lit the beach. He wanted to talk to her and act on those words that he heard in his head back at the cemetery today.  
  
"If love is what you feel in your heart take it with both of your hands before it passes you by."   
  
He didn't know how he would bring himself to say the words to Tin-Tin that he loved her but he knew he had to at least make an attempt. He didn't know if she felt the same. He was frightened that she wouldn't and where did that leave their friendship when her friendship was so important to him.  
  
He thought about the years when they were younger, the first day in the summer vacation when she had come to live with a house full of five boys, all older than her except him. She'd been a tiny dark-haired little girl and desperately shy. She spent most days in her room playing with her dolls so she did not have to speak to any one in this new home her Father had brought her to and did not like. He'd been a brazen nine year old on his last warning from his Father to behave around her or get yet another caning upstairs. He had hidden under her bed, captured all the dolls and carted them off to his room, sending her a ransom note for them. He didn't write very well and she didn't like talking to anyone. He'd watched her search everywhere for those dolls to no avail. Finally she had to resort to speaking with him about the ransom note. He found once he got talking to her that there was something he liked in this little girl and they became friends that day. However, from the very first day they talked he started teasing her all the time and they fought often.  
  
He remembered his friend changing from a little girl into a woman and how difficult that had been for her without a Mother in a house now full of male teenagers and grown men. His Grandmother was old-fashioned and did things the old way and wasn't of much help to the twelve year old girl. He hadn't made it easy for her, pointing out her chest wasn't flat anymore, pulling at her bra straps asking what they were and worse things he immediately shut out of his mind that he used to do to her each "month". It was a wonder, he thought feeling rather ashamed of himself, that she spoken to him at all after those days.  
  
He remembered most of all the day the two of them were sitting on the beach talking after a swim together in the surf and it occurred to him just how pretty she was and how much her body attracted him. He was sixteen at the time and finally settling down after going through a fairly rough transition from boy to man two years prior. All sorts of terrible things had happened to him at the most inopportune moments over those two years. Being the youngest, those embarrassing moments were hilarious to his older brothers and they ribbed him constantly during that difficult time. Tin-Tin had really gotten her revenge in response to his taunting about her monthly cycles back then and he supposed they were even now in the embarrassment stakes.  
  
Everything about her became perfect to him after that day on the beach and then they had separated to attend University at different colleges, she at Oxford in England, he in Colorado. He had missed his friend tremendously then, living from Semester to semester waiting to see her whilst nevertheless indulging himself in the "joys" of college life. There were plenty of female companions willing to keep the youngest son of billionaire Jeff Tracy from being "lonely" and he did his best to accommodate them all.  
  
However the last vacation that he spent on the island with her before his final year began changed him totally. He had returned to Colorado a different person somehow, unaware of exactly in what way he had changed. He didn't hang out at his favourite haunts drinking until all hours of the night, or tear around the race-track as often as he did or wake up next to a different woman most Sunday mornings. He hit his college books and despite still enjoying the pranks he played on campus, graduated a highly regarded student much to the surprise of his Father.   
  
Tin-Tin returned from Oxford with a double degree and from the moment she stepped out of that plane as he waited on the runway to greet her, it had hit him right between the eyes. He felt love in his heart and she was the one.  
  
He would not acknowledge that it was love, either to himself or to her ,and elected to continue on with their friendship. Months later he still hadn't acknowledged it.  
  
He remembered kissing her for the first time. That had taken more courage than carrying some of the rescues he performed. It started as a light-hearted joke as most things did between them. She'd wanted him to help her with the breakfast dishes so that she could go to the mainland with his grandmother and he offered to help only if she would kiss him. There was only the two of them there in the kitchen so no-one would see and later tease her about it. She agreed and stood on her toes to kiss him on the cheek. It just happened then, before either of them knew it had. His arms were around hers, hers were around his and their mouths were together, tongues swirling around wildly. He'd enjoyed every minute of it even though it had been a complete surprise to both of them and the two of them broke apart as if they had been bitten afterwards. The sad realisation was that Gordon had walked in on them and had proceeded to loudly broadcast what he had just seen all around the house!   
  
His Grandmother, her Father, his Father and his four brothers had been trying to get to the bottom of how he felt about Tin-Tin and how she felt about him ever since that day.   
  
Alan lay there feeling like a big chicken for not saying anything before now. He loved that girl all right and he guessed he'd better do something about it before it was too late.  
  
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"Dad."  
  
"Scott."  
  
"You want to go over the details of the rescue? I did the debrief earlier with the guys."  
  
"Not just now."  
  
The wave broke and water rushed in towards where he sat tracing the sand with his finger. The tide was coming in. He'd have to get up soon.   
  
Scott sat down quietly next to his Father. They were silent.  
  
"Mom all right?" he said finally.  
  
"Yeah."   
  
That word was said with great difficulty.  
  
"Virg, Gordon and I are going to fly out tomorrow Dad since we didn't make it today."  
  
"Good."   
  
That was said with more difficulty.  
  
Scott glanced sideways as his Father continued to trace the sand. He was afraid to look too closely in case his Father was crying however Jeff Tracy wasn't crying. He was past that now. Just a look of incredible sadness marked his face as he sat there wishing things had never changed even though he knew his life was meant to follow the course that it had.  
  
Scott tried to think of something to say to his Father but he could clearly see that he didn't want to talk.   
  
"I'd get you a drink Dad but Grandma's hidden it."  
  
"It's all right son. I don't need one"  
  
I do, Scott thought.  
  
"Dad. Is there anything I can do for you just now?"  
  
Jeff turned to look at his eldest son. The one most like him.  
  
"You can get your brother for me." he said steadily. The time had come for him to speak with Alan.  
  
Scott's stomach turned as he looked at his Father. Oh no. What did he want to speak to Alan about?   
  
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"I'm telling you nothing happened in Boston!" yelled John.  
  
"John, Dad's out there waiting for Alan and he ain't gonna wait forever. I need you to fill me in on what happened." Scott's voice was raised louder than his brother's.  
  
John didn't want Scott to know he'd broken down in front of his Father and he sure as hell didn't want him to know what he and his Father had spoken about. It was private and he hadn't felt this good for a long time as a result of it. He didn't need Scott chewing down his ear about failing to keep himself together at the cemetery. He'd obliged him with that for too many years.  
  
"Like I said nothing happened Scott. We landed the plane, we hired a car, we put the flowers there, stayed a bit and then came home again. Alan didn't say anything to Dad."  
  
"I know you're not tellin' me the whole truth Johnny. You've never been able to lie to me. You're as transparent as hell." Scott's voice was angry now and Scott Tracy was not someone to be argued with. Like their Father, he commanded, you obeyed. They were military men to the core.  
  
"Just get off my back will ya." John shrieked storming out of the room and slamming the door.  
  
Scott banged his fist into his Father's desk. Virgil came in from out on the balcony to see what all the shouting was about.  
  
"What's eatin' you?"  
  
"I'll tell you what's eatin' me. I've spent the past few weeks worrying about what might happen between my Father and my brother today. I've busted my gut for International Rescue when I should've been beside Dad at the cemetery and just when the sun is about to set on the whole miserable day that is March 12 in this house brother Johnny there won't tell me what happened in my damned absence."   
  
Scott could hardly contain his anger at John. He was absolutely panic stricken.  
  
"Maybe nothing happened like he said." Virgil said calmly.  
  
"Johnny is a hopeless liar.," he snapped.   
  
"I'm sorry to hear that March 12 gives you so much pain Scott. Let me say it does nothing for me either. "  
  
A low and dangerous voice behind him.  
  
Behind Scott stood Alan. Scott reddened and felt bad immediately. He didn't mean for the kid to hear him say that but concern that there was about to be another blow up overcame it all. He swung around to face his youngest brother.  
  
"For God's sake what did you say to Dad Alan?" he yelled.  
  
"I didn't say anything. Don't yell at me! I haven't done any thing"  
  
"You must have."  
  
"Dad told me to go and sit in the car when he talked to John. John was upset so that's what I did. Don't you try me on Scott I'm warning you. I've made an effort for Dad this year and despite that you're still bawling me out."   
  
"You're darned right I am. If you did nothing why does Dad want to see you now? He never asks to see you any other time."  
  
"Of course he doesn't want to see my sorry ass any other time. I'm the kid who killed his wife remember? He has to look at my face as it is day and day after day remembering what happened to my mother because of me."  
  
Scott looked at his devastated face. There it was for them all to hear. The blame Alan placed on himself about what had happened to Lucille Tracy.   
  
Alan's eyes filled and his lower lip trembled. He dropped his head.  
  
Scott and Virgil swallowed hard as they heard the voice.  
  
"What the hell's going on here?"   
  
Alan turned towards the door to look directly into the eyes of his Father.  
  
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
  
Father to Son  
  
"Here" he said thrusting a glass of one hundred year old Scotch into his son's hand.  
  
"Drink this and don't tell your Grandmother."  
  
The son in front of him sniffled a bit and sat in the leather armchair with his head down. He hadn't been in his Father's bedroom for a long time, not since his last caning nearly eight years ago and this was intimidating to say the least. However he was still too distressed to worry about that.  
  
Jeff took a sip of the whiskey. It was magic and God he needed it before he started with the boy in front of him. Josie had forgotten he kept a collector's bottle of Scotch in his room. Actually he was sure she hadn't forgotten but knowing his Mother she'd think he would never open it. Lucy had given it to him just before John was born to celebrate the business making it's first million dollars. Despite it being a special bottle in more ways than one if ever there was a time that it needed to be opened it was now.   
  
Jeff turned off the lights and flicked the switch on his night lamp. He pulled a second armchair from the other side of the room and sat down in it. It had been a long time since he'd had to bring one of his sons up here like this. He almost felt out of practice when at one time he was doing this at least twice a week with the five of them.  
  
"Alan Shepherd Tracy." he said with a long sigh shaking his head.   
  
Here sat what Jeff knew would have been Lucy's biggest challenge of all if she had have survived bringing him into the world.   
  
What had she said to him as they looked at him in the incubator and likened him to their middle son?   
  
"I hope he won't be as much trouble as John."   
  
Trouble? Ha! Trouble wasn't the word for it! Hot tempered, mule-headed, arguing the point, running away, rockets through university windows, car racing stunts, a never-ending eye for the ladies and now causing him grief about Tin-Tin. Lucy didn't know what trouble was compared to this kid.   
  
The thought crossed his mind as to how interesting and downright amusing it would have been to see her deal with all of his antics and not feel the way he did about it sometimes. Lucy got out of it easy leaving this kid to him.  
  
He put his glass down on the sideboard next to Lucy's picture and leaned forward.   
  
"Son. Look at me."  
  
He did not move but Jeff noticed his hands were shaking so badly that he feared that the precious Scotch was looking mighty like it would end up on the bedroom floor. The boy wiped his face with his free hand and swallowed half the contents of the glass. He coughed a little at the smoothness and strong taste. Jeff sat waiting quietly, his hands clasped in front of him.   
  
Finally the blue eyes came to look at him, as he knew they would and Jeff Tracy saw nothing but naked pain in them. Naked pain, regret and...Fear.  
  
"Before I speak and before you end up on your high horse like you always do Alan, I'm going to ask you to hear me out. Then you and I will talk as a Father and son should."  
  
"Yes Sir." he whispered so inaudibly that even Jeff was unsure he had answered him. He started anyway.  
  
"Alan. There are so many things I need to say to you and finally I might be given the chance to say them. You are a complex young man. I know that more than anyone. I suppose I should just accept that you are not like your brothers rather than try to get you to be like them. However, I do think you and I need to address the statement you made in the lounge just now."  
  
"Dad I.." he tried to interject but one look from his Father silenced him.  
  
"I've really questioned my parenting skills today. First John. Now you. I don't know how I could have left this situation get so far out of hand without doing something about it. I've suspected that was how you've been feeling for a good while now and well you've just come right out and said what I've known all along."  
  
Alan's lips started trembling again. What was his Father going to say? He didn't know if he could take any more today.  
  
Jeff put his hand out and gripped Alan's free hand and held it tightly and looked him directly in the eyes.   
  
"Son I do not blame you for what happened to your Mother. No one blames you for it and no one ever will while I have breath in my body. I was there son. I saw what happened to her and you have no idea who frightened I was that day for your own life. I live what happened to Lucy every year and to my regret it makes me distant from you and your brothers at this time. Especially from you. You are right, it is hard for me to look at you and not feel sad sometimes. You see that picture over there of your Mother? Every time I look at Virgil I see her face. That makes me sad too. It's not just you son."  
  
Alan let out a sob and dropped his head again, so relieved to hear his Father say that to him.  
  
Jeff couldn't deal with tears. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief.  
  
"For goodness sakes Alan pull yourself together. Drink the scotch and calm down boy."  
  
Alan was so worked up he couldn't stop himself from crying.   
  
Jeff spoke in a severe tone. "Stop it Alan!"  
  
"You gave John longer than this to stop at the cemetery." he blubbered feeling he was getting his usual bad deal from the man that sat in front of him determined to sort him out. Jeff rolled his eyes. Alan just had to mouth him, even when he was upset. Infuriating boy.   
  
"That's because he's John and you are my wild-child."  
  
The term was actually said with endearment. Yes this boy was the wild-child of the family. He drove them all to distraction and back again but despite everything Jeff Tracy couldn't see life being normal if this youngest son of his was any other way. He needed to make peace with him and be his Father again after that terrible argument last year.   
  
"Alan you are a man now and you must understand that I am a man too. I loved my wife and I lost her when I didn't expect to, in a way I didn't expect to and before I could fully bring back the love into our lives we had before you were conceived. We, your mother and I had an argument when she told me about you being on the way and I said some things I could not be take back even though I apologised later. I'd planned to do something about that and try to fix things up after you were born but I... never got the chance. It's bothered me for twenty years and last year I made the same mistake again with you. That's why I want to change things with you right now so that if anything happens to either of us, the other is not going to feel that same regret I feel about Lucy."  
  
"What did you argue with Mom about?" Alan asked still trying to compose himself.  
  
"That doesn't matter any more. I realised that the day she died."  
  
"Dad I'm so sorry I've upset you each year. When all of this started when I turned eleven I remember hearing John crying out on the balcony. I asked him why he was crying even though I knew that he was upset about Mom dying. John didn't say anything and I knew then it was because it must have been my fault. Johnny would never tell you if something was your fault. He always took the blame for everything that we did wrong. That's how I knew and I've watched everyone over the years and have believed it was true. I know now I've imagined it but it's real for me Dad just like losing my mother was real for you.  
  
Jeff Tracy remembered each year they had argued and over what.  
  
Eleven, the year he broke the frame that was holding her picture on his sideboard.   
  
Twelve, the year he ran away from home.  
  
Thirteen, the year he ran away from home again  
  
Fourteen, the year he bad-mouthed his grandmother making her cry.   
  
Fifteen, the year he caught him drinking his brand new bottle of bourbon  
  
Sixteen, the year his Chemistry Lecturer rang about what he and Sandra Parsons had been doing in the lab.  
  
Seventeen, the year he won the Sans despite being underage, forging Jeff's signature to enter the race.   
  
Eighteen, the year he blasted the rocket through the university window in Colorado  
  
Nineteen, last year - the worst year of all. The year he mistakenly felt his Father had blamed him for what happened to his mother, leaving Tracy Island and refusing to return.   
  
  
  
He didn't have very good birthdays this wild-child of his. However of all the mistakes Alan had made, assuming his Father didn't love him was the worst.  
  
"Alan I can understand how you must have been feeling. I just wish you and I could have talked about this when you were eleven not twenty."  
  
"Dad you were a really busy man when I was little. The business took most of your time. You and I have never had much time to talk to each other. I've talked to Scott over the years but not about things like that. He's my big brother and I felt he'd think I was a baby if I told him stuff I keep inside like that. How you feel inside should be private."  
  
Which brought the ideal opportunity for Jeff Tracy to address the other issue he wanted to clear up with Alan.  
  
Alan looked at his Father as the tone and subject of the conversation changed. His Father was now talking to him as a man.  
  
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"Man to Man"  
  
"Alan I want to talk to you about Tin-Tin."  
  
"What about her Dad?"  
  
"It hasn't gone un-noticed in this house that you two are feeling more than just a little more for each other that normal."  
  
"Yes Sir that's true."  
  
"As your Father it has also not gone un-noticed that your ah... connections with her are becoming very familiar."  
  
"No Dad I'm not doing what you're thinking with Tin-Tin if that's what you're going to ask me."  
  
There it was. The temper. Back again. One minute Alan was in the depths of despair, the next he was mouthing off like there was no tomorrow.  
  
Jeff didn't like talking to his boys about that subject if he could avoid it. The first time he'd tried to explain things to Alan and Gordon he made the mistake of doing with them both together. The two of them, eleven and twelve at the time and quite knowledgeable already with three older brothers in the house had fallen into fits of laughter at his discomfort and left him feeling quite inadequate to deal with the situation. He still didn't think he told them anything. The second time had been after Alan had been caught in the science lab and whilst it was more than obvious that he needed no instruction from his Father on what to do, he needed to be told he wasn't to do it in an inappropriate place with one of his classmates.   
  
"I didn't say you were. I just said you were becoming familiar."  
  
"What's wrong with that Dad? I've fooled around like that for years. I've only been joking around"  
  
"What you are doing is not joking around. Believe me I know about that."  
  
Alan glared at him through still reddened eyes. What would he know about it. His Father was one of the most straight-laced people he knew. He did everything right.  
  
"Are you in love with her?" came the question.  
  
"I think so", came the answer.  
  
"Well like I said before. You're not joking around with the physical stuff then. It's gonna happen."  
  
"Dad! "  
  
"Have you told her you love her?"  
  
"No."   
  
"Why not."?  
  
"I don't know. I don't know what it's like to love a woman like you did Dad. I never even had a Mother to try it out on. How do I know I love her? You tell me!"  
  
Jeff thought back to when he knew he was in love with Lucy. Not the feeling he'd gotten in the pit of his stomach when hesaw her for the first time, the feeling that told him she was the one he would spend his life with. It was that night they'd agreed to meet for dinner at his hotel when he was in Paris and he asked her to take the tunnel to meet him. She only had to travel a short distance from London where she was working and had left London on time.However she did not arrive at his hotel until nine hours later and with him fast asleep. Her train had been delayed several hours by an accident in the tunnel, she'd lost her bag containing her mobile telephone and wallet, and to top the whole thing off had been rained on relentlessly as she walked to the hotel because she didn't have money for a cab. For his part he had given up on Lucille Evans that night as he waited alone in the restaurant feeling an absolute fool but not really caring about the fact he was sitting alone with a bunch of flowers opposite an empty space at the table. His thoughts were only sad as he sat there as he realised the beautiful bright girl he had spoken to at the party really hadn't wanted to see him again after all. He had been so anxious to impress her and was going to buy her anything she wanted for Dinner and then she didn't come.   
  
It was the middle of the night when she knocked on his door. When he answered the knock in his pyjamas, to his surprise stood the girl with the beautiful eyes and smile, soaking wet to the skin and apologising profusely about letting him down and not being able to call him to explain. He'd allowed her to take a shower after he stopped laughing at her, and gave her a set of his civilian clothes to wear afterwards which she looked hilarious in. They'd sat together on the bed in his room sharing a packet of peanuts from the hotel mini-bar as their dinner and talked over endless cups of coffee for the rest of the night about everything and anything. Their first date. What a disaster! To top the night off he got himself into a pile of trouble with his Commander for falling asleep at the press interview that next morning. His excuse of "I was up all night with a woman" just didn't cut it with the Commander. That was the day though. The day he fell completely in love with Lucy.  
  
"Your Mother was the most intelligent woman I ever knew. She was always happy; she was gifted and generous, funny and sensitive. She was the most wonderful person I ever had the chance to meet. I loved her beauty from the beginning that first time I set eyes on her. But I fell in love with the real her, that wonderful soul of hers the very next time we spoke. Imagine showing up for your first date nine hours late, getting a man out of bed and standing there with your clothing stuck to you, hair hanging in dripping wet ringlets and mascara everywhere. That was the most beautiful your Mother ever looked to me Alan and it was the happiest moment of my life when I opened that door and saw she had wanted to see me again so much that she didn't care what she looked like or how late it was. If that'd been me that night I'd have just gone home again, thinking it was a bad omen to keep seeing Jeff Tracy. I guess that's why I can't stop loving your Mother no matter what. She was just so precious to me Alan."   
  
Jeff turned away so he could not see the tears that began to flow down his face. He was glad he had shared that with Alan. He had never told any of his sons that story and of all of them, Alan deserved to hear it the most. Maybe this had been Lucy's way of letting him know she forgave him completely about the argument. Letting him tell the son they had argued about that night how completely and utterly he had loved her.  
  
  
  
Alan was very moved by his Father's words and really never realised what a wonderful Father he had until now. He thought back to how he'd felt when he saw Tin-Tin get off the plane as she returned from university. He'd had that feeling his Father was speaking to him about. Unlike his Father and Mother, he and Tin-Tin had not met suddenly and felt an instant attraction, their attraction had been gradual. He had never had a formal date, disastrous or otherwise. They just went everywhere and did everything together. His Father and Mother fell in love and became friends later. He and Tin-Tin were friends first and now...well... he guessed she wouldn't keep coming back all the time after all the terrible things he did to embarrass her if she didn't feel something for him.  
  
"Dad. Thank you for telling me about my Mother. It's made me realise that I have fallen in love with Tin-Tin in my own way."  
  
"I'm glad you see that son."  
  
Alan hugged his Father for a long time in the darkened room.   
  
Then Jeff spoke, his voice having the lecture tone Alan knew so well.  
  
"Now I want you to listen to me with your head and leave your heart out of this conversation."  
  
"What Dad?"  
  
"If you do love Tin-Tin as you say and things look like going further which I can see quite clearly that they are, I want you to remember she is Kyrano's daughter Alan and not just some college girl and you need to take the right precautions."  
  
"I'm not stupid Dad.."  
  
"I didn't think I was either." his Father replied. "But I was and I'm telling you not to do the same."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"My past Alan. Trust me. Take it slow and be careful with Tin-Tin and be careful yourself. I love that girl like she is my daughter."  
  
"I'm not going to rush her off and throw her down on the bed and perform all sorts of wild acts with her. Don't be ridiculous. I wonder what you think about me sometimes Dad! I'm going to bed."  
  
Well, the close moment seemed abruptly over with that statement and Jeff Tracy guessed he'd never have another moment quite as close again with the wild-child he'd named after Alan Shepherd twenty years ago.  
  
Jeff wondered in hind-sight if Alan Shepherd the Astronaut had displayed the same personality traits....  
  
"Hot tempered, mule-headed, arguing the point, running away, rockets through university windows, car racing stunts, a never-ending eye for the ladies..."  
  
It was highly unlikely. Alan Shepherd had been a military man and you just didn't stay like that in the military.   
  
Jeff Tracy allowed himself to smile as that hot-tempered fifth son of his left the room in a huff after being warned about care in his love life.   
  
Well if Alan Shepherd wasn't like that, Alan Shepherd Tracy was and not even the military would change that boy.  
  
Jeff Tracy reached over and poured himself a glass of that wonderful scotch. He felt better now.  
  
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Alan strode down the hallway to his room, a myriad of emotions. He was relieved, he was happy, he was sad, he was in love, he was forgiving, he was insulted, he didn't know how the heck he felt other than his heart was now at peace. All the other feelings washed around inside him. Take precautions. How insulting was that. His Father might be straight down the line but he wasn't. Precautions. He didn't think so. He'd been in college for God's sake.   
  
The whole household was dark, everyone was in bed, and obviously he had missed his planned walk with Tin-Tin .How long had he been up there in his Father's room? The clock in the hall said five minutes past midnight. Nearly five hours.   
  
It was March 13 in the Tracy household.  
  
His feathers still more than ruffled , he turned the handle and opened the door of his room to go inside.  
  
His face fell to the floor.  
  
Sitting there on his bed with just the night light on ... was Tin-Tin.  
  
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I know a mistake in Alan's age in the Prologue has messed up Tin-Tin & Alan's ages at University but please be kind to me! I've learnt from my mistakes.   
  
Next and final main Chapter -MAN TO WOMAN 


	9. Chapter 7 Man to Woman

Author's note - I hope my PG 13 rating is OK for the content in this chapter. Please let me know if I should change it.Thanks everyone. mcj.  
  
CHAPTER 7 - MAN TO WOMAN  
  
"Alan we need to talk." she said fixing her determined brown eyes on him.  
  
Alan stood in the doorway wishing he could turn and go back out again. He didn't want to talk to Tin-Tin right now. He had too much to think about after being with his father all those hours. Thoughts of all kinds and particularly thoughts of her had to be put in proper order before he could talk to her and say what he needed to say.  
  
It didn't help that she had never looked more beautiful to him, sitting on his bed, and to his mind came the words his father had said about how his mother looked when he fell completely in love with her. Soaking wet, clothing stuck to her body and mascara everywhere.  
  
Not Tin-Tin. He took in every facet of her face and body. Her hair was piled loosely on her head in that French style she adopted in college, whispers of it around her forehead and cheeks. He could smell the scent of her body from where he stood; it was musky, delicious, and inviting. Her eyes were sparkling brown and deep, her face was perfect and extremely pretty, her lips full and red. Her body, wrapped in a long red robe which he noted with amusement was double knotted at the waist, was curvaceous and parts of it still a mystery to him.   
  
His Fathers words. "Take it slow with Tin-Tin."   
  
She looked at him standing in the doorway hoping she was doing the right thing in coming to his room like this in the middle of the night. She didn't know if he would want to talk after being with his Father but she had to come for her own sake and her own sanity.  
  
He had never looked quite so dreadful as he did at that moment, standing there looking like he'd seen a ghost. His snow-white blonde hair was ruffled and untidy, those bright blue eyes were red-rimmed and swollen, his shirt was creased and hanging loosely over his trousers and she could clearly smell what she shouldn't smell. The unmistakable smell of Scotch. That was one she'd have over on him she thought with amusement. Grandma finding out that he had been drinking against her express orders. Boy he would get one heck of a lecture if she found that out.   
  
Still it occurred to Tin-Tin that even how awful he looked, how tired and strained, he had never been quite so attractive to her as he was right now. She didn't care how Alan looked. She loved him anyway.  
  
After a few moments he put on the mask again. That stupid facade that he hid behind each and every time he came face to face with this beautiful young woman he loved so much. He closed the door and sat on the bed next to her poking her in the ribs.  
  
"You're darned right I want to talk to you. Where's my birthday present? You never gave it to me yesterday and I want it."  
  
She shook her head. No she wasn't going to let herself hide this anymore and she wasn't going to let him hide what he felt either. That was, if he felt anything for her at all. She began to worry.  
  
Her Father's words.  
  
"You two have a lot to say to reach other."   
  
"No Alan." she said earnestly. "Don't fool around."  
  
"I knew you didn't buy me anything. I'm hurt now, " he said, desperately trying to keep the joke going. He didn't want to face this.   
  
His Father's words. "Have you told her that you love her?"  
  
She bit her lip.   
  
Her Father's words. "Those who care in this way do not keep secrets from one another."  
  
"Alan I mean it. I need to talk to you."  
  
He stopped and the smile faded from his face leaving him looking anxious.  
  
His Fathers words "I was up all night with a woman."   
  
"Baby..."he began kissing her cheek as he dared not kiss her lips. "Not tonight. It's been a long day."  
  
She sat there for a while in silence. She knew he hadn't been sleeping well these last few days with the worry about his birthday and she hadn't either for a different reason. She did not want to lose the friendship of Alan Tracy and she feared she was about to in what she had to say to him. He had a strange personality, this youngest Tracy son, and she had grown to know it over the years. If he felt threatened by something, he would hide from it, or worse walk away. If she threatened him with some sort of commitment to her she knew he would walk away and she didn't want him to walk away.  
  
Her Father's words. "This is the risk you take in matters of your heart."  
  
No. She just could not do it. She could not continue to live here on this island paradise and be part of International Rescue if she didn't have Alan Tracy as her friend. The price was too high.  
  
He had been the most horrible little boy and she remembered that stupid ransom note and how hard she'd cried about the dolls. How easy it would have been to run and whisper to Jeff Tracy about what he'd done and watch Alan get the threatened caning for it. She hadn't. She'd gone and talked to him herself and ended up liking him.   
  
Why she had continued to like him she didn't know...making comments about her body, pulling at the straps of that awful bra that Josie made her wear before she was ready. The dreadful humiliation in her life when he found out she had become a woman in more ways than one, when he stole more than just dolls from her room each month and wrote ransom notes for them. She wasn't able to tell Jeff Tracy or her Father about that either.Alan would have gotten worse than a caning for that if she had. That had been the worst time of her life. She was only thirteen years old.   
  
It had been a welcome relief when he grew old enough to embarrass himself with the change from boy to man. There had been more than one occasion by the pool, that he'd had to dive in before he thought any one saw what was happening but she'd seen it and she'd teased him each and every time. He was never able to watch anything suggestive on television whilst wearing those tight moleskin pants. Regular as clockwork he'd had to dash from the room unexpectantly. She'd teased him about his unplanned exits, asking where and why he had gone. How embarrassed he had been but it would never be as bad as the ransom notes each month. Her embarrassment about that topped anything she could ever do to him.  
  
She remembered the first time she realised she was attracted to him as a man. It had been that last vacation they'd taken before their final College year when she realised how tall he had become, how strong and handsome his face was, how the fire burned in his blue eyes and how her heart stirred when she looked at him. However he was the son of a billionaire with a girl in every part of the United States from what she knew of his College escapades. She was just the daughter of the family retainer, a girl who'd never really had a lot of boyfriends because of her shyness and devotion to her studies. She had never entertained Alan Tracy would ever look upon her as anything other than a friend.   
  
As for that stupid first kiss that embarrassed her in front of everyone in the household, that was Alan's fault too. How it happened she still didn't know and it had bothered her that she'd been feeling that strongly about Alan Tracy to behave like that. The feelings she had for him started to intensify after that and they had now gotten to the point that she was worried she would lose his friendship if she dare go any further and admit to loving him.  
  
Maybe it was better to tell Alan that it was best if they stopped the afternoon walk and the kisses and just let it revert back to the way it used to be when they were nine years old. The days when they could run down the beach together chasing a ball, explore the caves of Tracy island to return just before supper totally exhausted, play board games, talk about not having a mother. The days where life was uncomplicated and sweet.  
  
Love just complicated things between them.   
  
The words came out before she had time to think about them much.  
  
"Alan. I don't think I want to us to behave like this any more. The kissing and the walking. I just want us to be friends. It's best that way"  
  
If Alan thought the past few hours were traumatic, this topped it off. He felt his stomach fall past his feet and his whole world collapse.  
  
He heard his mother's words in his head for the third time.  
  
"If love is what you feel in your heart take it with both your hands before it passes you by. That is what life is about."  
  
He looked into her eyes and saw tears in them. Oh no, he'd left it too late to tell her. He couldn't believe this was happening to him. His friendship with her was important he knew but his love of her was more than important.  
  
It was his everything.  
  
Tears spilled from his own eyes, as he looked at her feeling confused and devastated.  
  
"No Tin-Tin. I won't let you say that to me." he said taking both her hands and clinging to her like a child.  
  
"No Alan I mean it. You're my friend and I want it to stay that way."  
  
He dropped her hands and looked at her desperately.  
  
"I don't want to just be your friend. I love you Tin-Tin Kyrano with all of my heart and everything I have. If lose you as my friend so that you will let me love you... well... that's the way it'll have to be."  
  
He cringed and waited for her to get up and leave him, ending everything, their love and their friendship.   
  
Instead his sweet little Tin-Tin, the girl he loved more than his own life, kissed his lips softly and began to cry. She whispered in a gentle voice,  
  
"Alan. I love you too but I didn't think you felt the same. Of course I don't want to just be your friend if I can be more."  
  
"You mean that?"  
  
"From the bottom of my heart ."  
  
March 13 had just become the happiest day of Alan Tracy's life. He kissed her deeply there on that bed of his, lovingly and with commitment. She returned the kiss with equal feeling. They stared at each other for a while saying nothing.  
  
"I'm so relieved I told you that." he said holding her close to him. "I think I nearly lost you then."  
  
"Oh Alan I feel so stupid. I had intended to come and tell you that I loved you but it was too hard for me to say. We've been just friends for so long."  
  
"I know the feeling. I've just had a lecture from Dad about not saying anything to you about how I feel."  
  
"How did things turn out with your Father.?"  
  
Tin-Tin had felt so worried for Alan when she saw him broken down in the lounge earlier in the evening. She had been in the kitchen preparing Dinner and didn't know what had gone on. There had been some shouting but it didn't seem to be Alan. She'd gone through the lounge room to get ready for her walk with Alan on the beach and walked in to find Jeff Tracy glaring down Scott and Virgil and Alan being ordered to his Father's bedroom in tears. She had excused herself and gone back to her Father. Obviously the walk had been unexpectedly called off and neither Jeff nor Alan came down for dinner. If Tin-Tin was concerned at what the outcome would be up in that bedroom at least she did not pace the floor like Josie and Scott did, both of them totally panic-stricken. The whole family knew that anyone who'd gone to Jeff Tracy's bedroom alone with him when they were children didn't fare very well.   
  
Alan sat up.  
  
"You'd need the rest of the night to hear about it."  
  
"I've got all the time you need if you want to tell me."  
  
His Father's words. "I was up all night with a woman."  
  
He kissed her again. God she was beautiful and he had nearly lost her through his own stupidity. He wouldn't make that mistake again. From now on, he was going to say everything and anything about how he felt for this girl. He would no longer hold anything back.   
  
His Fathers thoughts of his mother. "We sat on together on that bed and talked about everything and anything."  
  
"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are Tin-Tin? " he said, kissing her forehead.  
  
"Are you telling me now?"  
  
"Yes I am."  
  
"I love you Alan." The words came easily now.  
  
"I love you too Tin." he said softly.   
  
"How long have you felt like this ?"  
  
"You tell me first! Obviously you've loved me for much longer that I've loved you."  
  
"That's what you think."   
  
"That's what I know!" he said jabbing her in the ribs and tickling her  
  
The friendship and teasing was still there. It was a relief to them both but in the back of Alan's mind...  
  
His Father's words. "You're not joking around with the physical stuff. It's gonna happen."  
  
Alan removed his arm from around her shoulders.  
  
"Tell me about what happened with your Father then?" she asked, preparing to listen.  
  
He moved uncomfortably. Best to end any risk of it happening, right now. It was his bedroom for goodness sake.  
  
"No. I'm tired. I'll tell you about it when we walk sometime."  
  
"All right then. I am a bit tired too. Is everything all right now?"   
  
"I learned a lot about both my Father and myself tonight. He has a funny way of sorting my head out it but that's my Dad."  
  
That term was actually said with endearment. Tin-Tin knew then that Jeff Tracy and his youngest son were at peace.  
  
"By the way." he added with a grin. "I have a new name...wild-child"  
  
"What's new about it? You are a wild-child Alan. We all know that. Good night."  
  
She kissed him and stood up. As she put her hand on the door to leave he added,  
  
"And I'm still waiting for my birthday present.I'm not giving up until I get it you know."  
  
She still had her back to him gripping the door handle. She bit her lip. Would she do this? Dare she say this? What would he think of her?  
  
Tin-Tin Kyrano did not care at this point.   
  
She turned around to face him and her brown eyes met his blue eyes in the night light.   
  
"Why do you think I was here tonight?" she said softly. " I wanted your birthday present to be my first time with you Alan."   
  
Alan could not believe what he had just heard and any words of warning his Father had given him fell straight out of his head along with any common sense he had. The impulsive young man that was Alan Tracy had been offered what he'd dreamed about for years and there was no way he was going to turn it down.   
  
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He took her hair down and planted powerful and fervent kisses down her face and neck.  
  
Alan Tracy normally made love as he drove his racing car, fast, furious and to reach the finish line first. He'd had a lot of practice at it in college and like racing his car, he hadn't had the opportunity for a while either. All the more reason to slow down and enjoy the moment. No way. Not the son Jeff Tracy called his wild-child.   
  
Still as she had admitted it was her first time he knew he had to be a little more considerate of her than he had been of the girls in college.   
  
His Father's words. "She is Kyrano's daughter." made him ease back a little but it wasn't his way and it wouldn't be his way after this first time he knew.  
  
She allowed him to draw open the robe she wore, both of them knowing that once this act was done, there would be no turning back.   
  
No more "just friends" which they had both hidden behind. They would be lovers. This felt like leaving behind their childhood forever.  
  
His Father's words. "Take it slow and careful."  
  
Don't think of your Father at a time like this Alan he heard himself say, still holding himself back from his instincts.   
  
The robe undone, he stared at what was now in front of his eyes, her beautiful naked body, everything he had always imagined it to be and he'd been imagining it since he was sixteen years old.  
  
She looked into his eyes.  
  
His Father's words "She is Kyrano's daughter. Not some college girl."  
  
"Are you sure about this?" he breathed giving her one last chance to change her mind.   
  
She was Kyrano's daughter. How many times did that voice of his Father have to run through his head. He knew that, but he was a man and she was a woman. That was all he cared about right now.  
  
In some ways Alan didn't want them to lose their innocence together and he hadn't planned to yet. Now with her there...like this...right there in front of him, he didn't want to her to change her mind. He knew he wasn't going to be able to restrain himself if she said no now, despite his understanding that she would need special consideration this first time.  
  
She turned to him and put one arm around his shoulder and began unbuttoning his shirt with the other. Slipping the shirt from his broad shoulders her hands went further and she encouraged him to continue with her.  
  
"Alan... I'm sure," she whispered feeling more than a little frightened at his unexpected dominance of her. His Father seemed to be in him then, the same formidable figure.   
  
Alan Shepherd Tracy pressed his lips to hers and touched his future wife for the first time as a man.   
  
The first time was difficult but the second was earth shattering for them both.  
  
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He rolled over and looked at the clock on his sideboard. The time said twenty five past five.  
  
He lay back and thought about where the last twenty-four hours had taken him. Twenty-four hours ago he could not bring himself to talk to his father without bitterness. Twenty-four hours later they were at peace with each other. Twenty-four hours ago Gordon had woken him and kissed him on the lips. Twenty-four hours later he had woken up in bed with Tin-Tin. Twenty-four hours ago he didn't understand his feelings for her. Twenty-four hours later he had told her he loved her and made love to her twice.  
  
He'd never had twenty-four hours quite like his birthday this year. What had Tin-Tin said?  
  
"I'm sure you will have a wonderful birthday."  
  
She was sure right about that!  
  
He watched her sleeping beside him and touched her shoulder still enjoying the sensation of her body next to his.   
  
He hoped he had been gentle enough for her first time. He had really tried to restrain himself but despite this he knew he had hurt her a bit. However, unlike in college, it at least worried him that he knew she was grimacing with discomfort under him as he felt the pleasure tear through his body.  
  
Afterwards they had lain in each other's arms staring at each other, neither of them believing that they would have ever contemplated doing this. He stroked her hair with one hand and told her he loved her but continued to caress that beautiful body that she had surrendered to him quite unexpectedly.  
  
"I've got one up on you now" she teased him as she ran her hands over his strong chest and taut stomach.   
  
That had been a mistake. Tin-Tin Kyrano didn't know him well enough as a man yet. Once was never enough for Alan Tracy and she would have to learn that. His need was building again as she touched him and he began to touch her with a definite intent. Trying to curb himself he managed to say,  
  
"What have you got on me? Us doing this? Just who can you blackmail me with about this? No-one that's who."  
  
But he kept touching and her need started growing. He kissed her and continued.  
  
"I know you and your Father were drinking last night and if I tell Grandma…"   
  
She stopped mid sentence unable to continue with what she was feeling in her body.   
  
Her need was real now. He could feel it. His own need was screaming to be satisfied and not gently this time either.  
  
"Tin-Tin not now.." he said hovering over her again and unwilling to wait much longer.   
  
Her body received him better the second time, which was fortunate with the demanding and brutal way that he did it. The passion he felt caused him to gasp at the height of it. He felt her body reaching the same heights. That final moment. Nothing more.   
  
I've never felt anything like that Alan," she breathed as they fell asleep exhausted in each other's arms.  
  
Life couldn't get much better for Alan Tracy on March 13 except one terrible sick feeling as he lay there waiting for her to awake.  
  
His Father's words.  
  
"You need to take the right precautions."  
  
Alan supposed she had. His Father could keep that piece of advice. He just didn't do that sort of thing. He assumed Tin-Tin would be the one to worry about preventing the babies. After all she was the woman wasn't she?.  
  
His Father's words. "I didn't think I was (stupid) either."  
  
Despite Jeff Tracy's experience, things had not changed with the son he had produced.  
  
History looked like repeating itself and time was now going to tell on that.   
  
Her Father's words. "Be careful my daughter. I beg you."  
  
She did not hear her Father's words in her head. She was fast asleep.  
  
Alan heard Kyrano walking down the hall on his way to the kitchen.   
  
He leaned over her sleeping frame and gently shook her awake.  
  
"Tin-Tin."  
  
She opened her eyes.  
  
"You'll have to go now. Your Father's awake."  
  
She sat up on her elbows and focused her tired eyes. When had they gone to sleep? Only two hours ago. She screwed up her face in obvious discomfort as her body reminded her of the forcefulness of her experience with Alan.   
  
He went to draw her into his arms again but then thought better of it. If Kyrano was out of bed, his Grandmother would be too and Scott would soon follow. Scott was an early riser. Alan firmly believed that Scott never actually slept. That older brother of his could stay awake for over thirty six hours, so cast iron was his discipline over his mind and body.   
  
Alan knew that both Grandma and Scott would be anxious to see what happened with his Father last night and they would be bursting in before long wanting the details. Neither of them ever knocked and Alan could imagine their reaction on seeing the two of them naked in bed together. The "just friends" line would be of no use to either of them whatsoever then and his life wouldn't be worth a pinch if Grandma caught him.  
  
"That'd be right Alan," she laughed softly. "Love me and tell me to leave."  
  
She pulled back the rumpled sheets and blankets and pulled on the robe that Alan had discarded to the floor. Alan looked at the body he had loved intimately with such great care the first time and such passion the second.   
  
"Tin-Tin." he whispered. "That was the best birthday present you could ever have given me."  
  
"I love you Alan."  
  
"I love you too Tin-Tin."  
  
With that she slipped out into the half dark hallway, the first light of morning dawning on Tracy island and returned to her room.  
  
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Man to Woman  
  
"Jeff"  
  
"Mother"  
  
"Is everything all right with my grandson?"  
  
"Mother you have five grandsons."  
  
"You know which one."  
  
A few moments of reflection  
  
"Yeah. We've sorted everything out."  
  
"Is that all you're going to tell me Jeff?"  
  
"For now."  
  
Awkwardness.  
  
"Jeff I want to ask you something."  
  
"I might not answer you Mother."  
  
"That's true I suppose but I'm going to ask you anyway."  
  
"I don't doubt that."  
  
Expectant.  
  
"Is there something going on that you and Kyrano know about my grandson and Tin-Tin that you're not telling me"?  
  
"I'm not answering that."  
  
She knew it! Something was up and he wasn't going to let her in on it. Well two could play this game.  
  
"I remember a certain young man once who brought a beautiful little English girl to meet me in Kansas. I knew straight away that he would marry that little girl the first time she smiled at me. That young man walked her around the farm, stared into her eyes and told her of his dreams and aspirations. Unbeknown to that certain young man both his Father and Mother were aware that on the first night at the farmhouse, he and that little English girl made love not once, but twice in the room next to us."  
  
Jeff Tracy's cheeks reddened with disbelief. He couldn't believe after all this time he had been caught out.  
  
"Mother you knew about that?"  
  
"We knew all right Jeff!"  
  
"I was so careful that night mother. We didn't make one sound. I swear."  
  
"The walls were very thin in that farmhouse Jeff."  
  
"Not one sound Mother. I'm telling you."  
  
"Let me see what did Lucy say to you. I think it was "I've never felt anything like that."  
  
His cheeks became scarlet. Lucy had whispered that right down close in his ear that very first time. They'd still been locked together when she said it to him. No-one could possibly have heard that. Where had his mother been? Under the bed or something?  
  
"I'm glad you didn't say anything to Lucy. She would have died."  
  
It was not over for this son of hers yet.  
  
"I also remember a certain night that I took three little boys out to see a movie so that their Daddy could talk to his wife about business plans in Asia he hoped would change their lives forever. How I know that certain Daddy left another little boy cry for his bottle for nearly half an hour while he and that little English girl made love again in the room next to him."  
  
"How the heck did you know that"?  
  
"I forgot my purse and had to let myself in to get it. I knocked for ages but your baby son was crying so loudly and you were both so busy neither of you heard me come in. I had a mind to burst in on the two of you and tell you both off for leaving little Gordon to cry like that."  
  
Jeff felt completely and totally embarrassed. He could not believe his mother knew all about the two of them. However he fondly remembered that he and Lucy had made love twice that night too. He had always made love to Lucy twice. Once was never enough for him... not with her.   
  
Teasing complete, it was time for Josie to say something on that subject.  
  
"I also know from the mathematics of it that you ended up with my youngest grandson as a result of that night. "  
  
He nodded. Yes they certainly did, whether it was the first or the second time but because of it... well he didn't want to think about that any more this year.  
  
"...And the reason for the guilt you feel in your heart about losing that little girl of yours like you did Jeff."  
  
Silence.   
  
"You don't have to say any more Mother. I know that you're right."  
  
She began again.  
  
"And all the more reason that you should listen to another story I have to tell you."  
  
"Oh no. What other parts of my love life have you witnessed Mother?"  
  
"I know of a certain young man who met a pretty little Malaysian girl eleven years ago. They played together as children and grew up together. He walked her around the beautiful island where they lived and he stared into her eyes and talked to her about their shared life in International Rescue. I knew when that happened that the young man was destined to marry that little girl. However, unbeknown to that young man too I am very aware, unlike his Father, that he and that little Malaysian girl made love twice last night in his room."  
  
"Mom you've got to be damn well kidding me!"   
  
Jeff's hair almost stood on end and his temper rose. Despite everything that he had said to that son of his last night, Alan had gone and done it anyway. Not just once but twice too! Jeff thought back to his love-making with Lucille. Always twice, every time. This son of his really did reflect his time with her.  
  
Josie watched him with amusement.  
  
"Now that young man's father couldn't possibly be sore at him when he acted so like his Daddy could he?"  
  
Jeff rubbed the back of his red neck feeling quite foolish and shaking his head at the truth of her words. He couldn't get angry when he'd done the same thing himself with Lucy all those years ago.  
  
Anyway in thinking about it, it was always going to happen with Alan and Tin-Tin he supposed. It was only a matter of when. He was lucky he had the chance to speak with him and Tin-Tin with Kyrano before it did.   
  
He looked at his Mother hating the fact that she had the definite upper hand in this argument.  
  
"So Mother how did you find out about them and don't tell me the walls around here are thin or you left your purse in Alan's room either because I won't believe you."  
  
"I heard her whisper to her Father in the kitchen this morning. She is very close to him and probably thought he needed to know. And just so you know. She was very careful. I think that's what you were trying not to tell me earlier."  
  
"Mom you are a very wise lady."  
  
"Of course I am. I'm your mother. That is why you shouldn't feel guilty about what happened to Lucy. The son you gave her that night has grown into a fine young man who will marry Kyrano's little Tin-Tin one day and will take you both to the next stage of your life where I am now. Watching your grandchildren grow up."  
  
"Thank you Mother."  
  
"And finally. Don't tell Alan that you know about last night for quite a few years yet. If it's anything like you feel right now it'll be worth the wait."  
  
Jeff Tracy's heart seemed to lift somehow as he watched that wonderful woman walk away. She had just released a twenty-year burden from his shoulders.   
  
However the fact she knew about him and Lucy at the farmhouse really made him feel foolish.  
  
It put him so much in Alan's shoes that he just couldn't be angry at that compulsive son of his. Jeff imagined how much Grant Tracy would have chewed him out if he had confessed to him about he did with Lucille at the farmhouse. He guessed then he wouldn't be hearing from Alan either.   
  
Some things Fathers and sons just didn't talk about once they had happened  
  
..............................................................................................................................................   
  
Is Alan a brat or what that's what I ask? Could be another story come out of that night?   
  
Epilogue to come -The Two Fathers Watch 


	10. Epilogue Two Fathers watch

EPILOGUE - TWO FATHERS WATCH  
  
Prologue-"Another day on Tracy Island was drawing to a spectacular close as the summer sunset bathed the calm shores in its red and orange hues. Another day in the lives of the Tracy brothers in their roles as International Rescue."   
  
Epilogue - However it was no longer March 11, the last time they had walked together in the sunset and witnessed the day's end. It was now the evening of March 13 on Tracy Island and much had changed during that time.  
  
Despite the rumblings,anxiety, reliving of nightmares, fatherly advice and the events all of it had caused in the last forty eight hours, Alan Tracy still walked hand in hand with Tin-Tin Kyrano.   
  
Prologue -"The waves lapped the beach gently and the tropical flowers from the garden his grandmother and her Father tended with such care, gave the air a sense of romance. Alan took the opportunity to put his arm around her shoulders and pull her closer to him."   
  
Epilogue -Unbeknown to them, each Father sat alone on his balcony watching them walk, Jeff Tracy sipping yet another glass of that one hundred year old whiskey and Kyrano drinking a glass of saki before he retired to the kitchen to serve dinner.  
  
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Jeff Tracy's thoughts as he watches Tin-Tin Kyrano   
  
My God this whiskey is good and I think I've earned the right to drink the whole damn bottle these last few days.   
  
Tin-Tin, I see you walking here tonight with my son and I thank God for the fact that you are now in his life in a close way. You are like a daughter in my eyes, the daughter I never was lucky enough to give to Lucy. Not that I regret any one of my sons being born a boy.   
  
Actually I don't think I could have been a good Father to a girl. Too much military in me I think.  
  
I certainly could not have done what your Father did with you without a wife. I don't know how he did it without your mother to help but somehow he has made you the gentle sweet child that you are and nutured your ability to somehow control that wild fifth son of mine. I'll always be grateful for that.   
  
Alan is a handful Tin-Tin as you will really come to know when he becomes as dependent on you as I was dependent on Lucy. You will need to be his rock when he is afraid, and Alan is afraid often. He is not a person who will readily tell you when things bother him and I'll have to give you some advice about how to deal with that one day.   
  
You will need to keep your sense of humour up with his pranks and they won't go away I'll warn you. After twenty years, old habits won't lie down in him. I know he has played many a prank on you and I understand he gave you a very hard time with some sort of ransom note when you were thirteen years old. Yes Tin-Tin I know because my mother told me. My mother knows everything. Believe me when I say that. My own dignity is no longer intact because of that woman. I still can't look her in the face knowing she knows about what I did in Kansas with Lucy that night. I don't know what Dad must have thought of me back then. I can't even bring myself to think about it.  
  
As for his temper, well all I can do is wish you luck with it. It's hot and it's quick and it's his trademark. I hope he never has cause to make you cry over silly arguments. I did that to my precious Lucy and I don't have the temper he has. If he makes you cry please forgive him. I wish I was sure that Lucy forgave me but something told me last night that she had.  
  
He is a difficult son but a fiercely loyal and brave one. His bravery and lack of concern for himself worries me as I know it will worry you as our lives go on as International Rescue. He will always be there for you though, that I am sure. I know he has an eye for women but since he has been with you, I have seen his eye look only one way and that is to you.   
  
I don't know what dreams he has for himself, he is far too impulsive to plan anything and more than likely he will take you along one wild and wonderful path if you can stay in his life without losing your sanity. You will be one up on me if you can.  
  
I hope I live to see the day that boy of mine settles down with you and you have children together.   
  
Not too soon though Tin-Tin. You keep on being careful when you need to be together. Alan won't think he has to worry about it. That's just not in him unfortunately and for that I apologise. I have experienced it myself and tried to make him see the danger. He hasn't I know.   
  
I know this sounds awful Tin-Tin but my one dream is that one of your children proves to be the handful that he is so that he grows to appreciate how I have felt these last twenty years raising him without his mother.  
  
That's been hard little Tin-Tin and you'll have your work cut out for you.  
  
Nothing pleases me more than to see you with my son like this. I truly wish you much happiness in your life with Alan... and I'm glad you are kissing him like you are right now.   
  
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
  
Kyrano's thoughts as he watches Alan Tracy  
  
I enjoy moderation in all things but tonight after dinner I think I may need to have several more of these drinks to deal with the news I received from Tin-Tin this morning.  
  
Mr. Alan I hope that you will not feel disappointed in the fact that I worry about my daughter being involved with you. Not that I believe my precious little girl is destined to be involved with anyone else. You two were born to be together and I have known that for a long time, since you were both quite young in fact.   
  
You enjoy speed in everything that you do, this I clearly see. You are quite a wild young man.   
  
However, you are like your Father in more ways than either of you know but Mr Alan you differ to your Father in that I respect him greatly. I watch you now to see if you will one day be the same in my eyes.   
  
I can also say that I am now most worried over the fact that you and Tin-Tin are together in the physical way. My heart still beats irregularly after she informed me of this before breakfast.  
  
I do not want anything for Tin-Tin that she does not want for herself and well frankly Mr Alan, the risk is there for her when you unite with her as one. I see her walking with you down there and know that within her you have been and the risk has begun. Your Father's story of your mother has given me more lines on my face than I care to think about. I wish she was not alone in taking care. She is still a child without her mother. She is not ready to be a mother herself Mr Alan. Why can you not see this?   
  
It is hard for a young girl to grow up without a mother to help in ways that a father cannot. I know you would know what I meant if I told you that. You have done much over the years to distress her in this way Mr Alan and whilst she does not think I know the things you put her through, I do know.  
  
Somehow, despite it all, Tin-Tin sees qualities in you I do not seem to see. I have come to accept that I have to trust my daughter's instincts about you Mr Alan despite what I sometimes see of you at this beautiful island.   
  
I fear your quick temper will give Tin-Tin much sadness when the first feelings of passion die away and I tell you Mr Alan... they will. That I know from experience of the heart.   
  
My own wife left me alone when she no longer had feeling for me and that caused me great pain. There will not be a day that I am alive that I will not fear you may do the same to Tin-Tin. I know from watching your Father cope with you over the years that you have an eye for more than one in the physical way. She has only ever experienced this way with you and is still very vulnerable. I implore you from my place here on this balcony to think carefully each time you are together.   
  
I am sorry Mr Alan, my concern for her comes from my own heart and this is not your fault and is no reflection on you or your upbringing. Your Father brought you up well. It is only my fear for her as her Father that makes me feel as I do.  
  
Tin-Tin is an intelligent person. You should always take this into account when talking with her and being with her. She can do anything you can do if she puts her mind to it despite her gentle exterior, and she is a strong and capable person. But you know that already Mr Alan in your experiences together these past months in International Rescue. I know you will have a life together but it frightens me as to what path that life will follow.  
  
You will need to be careful with my Tin-Tin. This I warn you for your own sake. I am her Father and I am watching you with much trepidation Mr. Alan. She is a beautiful woman but a fragile one and her heart, once it is broken, I do not think would ever mend.  
  
Tin-Tin's heart is larger than all of her being and within it beats a love for you that is bigger still. I hope you understand what a lucky young man you are that she has grown to love you as she has. Maybe one day, I will grow to love you too Mr Alan, not as the son of your Father but as the man who is destined for my Tin-Tin and who will give me the grandchildren I wish for in years to come.  
  
I am entrusting this most precious part of me to you Mr Alan to take into your life and give you much love and happiness. Tin-Tin has given this to me for many years and I am happy to share her with you now.   
  
However I tell you this Mr Alan. If you ever hurt my little girl, despite my deep and dear friendship with your Father, I will never forgive you.   
  
Kiss her now Mr. Alan and hold her close.   
  
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The Spirit watches  
  
The spirit of the hand that never had the opportunity to rock the cradle of her youngest son had risen on March 12 that year, in a way that could not be explained by any of them. It had planted words that were the beginning of the new Tracy generation between Alan Tracy and Tin-Tin Kyrano.  
  
"If love is what you feel in your heart take it with both of your hands before it passes you by.That is what life is about."  
  
The Spirit now at peace  
  
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Author's note - Well that's the story done now. I hope my contribution to the FanFic has been worthwhile and I hope the anti-Alan's realise there are some of us who still love him even though he is a brat.  
  
mcj. 


End file.
